Conflict Solving

What can you do to solve conflicts in a constructive way? Very good question from one of my readers. Well, my tips are the following. Feel free to add your tips in comments to this entry.

Try to find several ways of solving conflict, so that you grow to handle many different people types.

The best ways of finding them, I would say, are either books on conflict solving, giving and receiving feedback, active listening, or alternatively (my favorite approach): trial and error... Practise, practise, practise. Jump into an opposite oppinion of someone else, and practise your constructive argumentation.

How does a constructive process look like then? Well, a few things I've learned that are good for constructive conflict solving:

1. Listen, listen, listen
   
2. Repeat the statements of your opponent: "So if I understand you correctly, you are saying...."
   
3. Confirmation or clarification
   
4. Think / formulate carefully (breathe if needed)
   
5. Respond ithout personal attacks or emotional judgment (very hard...I know)




• Avoid statements including "YOU ARE [accusation]..."




• Instead use: "What you do comes accross as [adjective]...."


• Avoid "It is..." (as you own the single point of truth)


• Instead use: "It seems to me like..."


• Avoid emotional judgement: "very" "always" "never", or "blame" "fault" "wrong"




• Preferrably with curiousity




• Ask questions rather than to analyse


• Assume you are wrong when listening, respond with statements on how you view it


• Listen with interest to learn a different point of view




• If helpful, state that it is good that you have discovered a conflict or different point of views and that you are interested in learning other perspectives



6. If your conflict partner is less experienced or respectful in their conflict solving process, take a few breaths and try to not trigger on any cheap shots... Easy to say, harder to do sometimes :)
   
7. Summarize both perspectives (or all, if you have chosen to find even more angles on the topic, which is good in situations where it is suitable to show that there are even further options on how to view it...)
   
8. Make a decision (if required) and commit to disagree if necessary. You can still move forward, even if you don't agree. That is also solving the conflict, as long as you have understood each others point of view.

And remember, in different cultures it is either triggering or respectful to stay calm (or raise the voice), so don't always rely on your country-traditions as input if someone is upset or not.

Conflict is Good

Yesterday I ran into a Norwegian friend of mine. We had a nice chat over coffee at Dana Street Roasting Company. I really like the ambience there, as you can hear what you think and at the same time enjoy the scene of a coffee bean roaster together with an out-of-the-world coffee aroma. We had a good time for sure. And then we ended up in kind of a friendly disagreement. To make a long story short, we ended up laughing at our different negotiation techniques and started talking about conflicts.

Especially in Scandinavian culture, or at least the groups of people I am used to from over there, conflicts are a bit of a tabu. You want to solve issues and disagreements, of course, and they do exist, for sure, but it is just so many different approaches one can take. And an important factor in the Scandinavian approach (if there is one) is to stay calm, to not raise your voice...to not loose your face or embarass yourself by showing emotions. Maybe that is why we are called the "Japaneese of Europe" and why business is so excellently made between Scandinavia and Japan? Sometimes, while living and working in Sweden, I thought a conflict was a failure. That one had failed finding a win-win solution and hence failed to create the most optimal solution.

Letting the discussion brew for a bit, I came to the conclusion that I have totally changed my mind since moving to the states. Conflicts are good. Difference in opinion is catalysts for finding the best solution. One should not fear entering or creating conflicts, to have different opinions, or to even jump into a counter position (as they say here: play the devil's advocate) to really be sure that the solution at the table is solid.

Conflicts are indeed good. Differences are what helps innovation and perspective growth. How boring it would be if everyone in the world had the same opinions. And how dangerous for our future.

With all this said, I have to CLEARLY STATE that there are DIFFERENT WAYS of solving conflicts and it is in the SOLUTION PROCESS where you can choose positive (e.g. brain storming, open trust-based discussion, perspective change role playing....) or destructive approaches (e.g. war, violence, avoidance, postponance...).

So remember: conflict is good. The conflict solving process should be a constructive one.