It isn't always as it seems

Just got reminded today that sometimes your own bad conscience decides how you judge people around you. It isn't always as it seems. Actually most of the time it isn't at all as bad as you think it is.

So what can you do when you have a "hunch" or a "gut-feeling" that makes you interpret certain signals a pre-determined way? Well, you have to QUESTION if this is reality or perhaps one of your own insecurities tainting your glasses - e.g. making you view the world in a non-objective way.

Let yourself travel into other glasses, other shoes, other perspectives. Try to see it from angels where you are not stuck in your own values, patterns, or pre-perceptions. If you manage to see it from at least two other angles, you are right to lower the probability of your own view being the "true" one and the "only" angle of a problem.

The best lesson I have re-learned this week has been that if you fight your own will to come up with the best solution, and allow other solutions - however crappy they may seem at a first glance - you can jump up and bet your glasses on that there is a valid reason for solving an issue the way someone else suggests it. Take a second and LISTEN to those reasons, before you decide. It will save you a lot of pain and re-payment later.

I took the time to listen this week. I allowed me to be patient although people were waiting for answers and blowing up the importance of things. And in the end, I gained two weeks work and the respect of two VPs.

Take the time to listen to ALL suggestions, and evaluate them equally and fair. There are sometimes reasons you don't know. And as long as those reasons are objective and not for anyone's personal career, then they should be paid attention to. It may save you a fortune of time and effort.

Good luck with listening to all input next week, and allowing yourself to evaluate even if first reaction is that they are wrong. Good luck with allowing yourself to be patient.

I know you can do it.

Teach Others to Fish

We all know the saying of: "Give a man a fish, and he will not go hungry for the night. Teach him how to fish, and he will never go hungry again". (Comes in many versions...)

During my first work years I used to run to my boss all the time with urgent issues. I was insecure on what was the right things to do. I didn't trust my own experience and knowledge. And I was afraid to make mistakes.

My boss of course was annoyed with it, he must have been. But he showed me a lot of patience, and in the end helped me to help myself, by NOT SOLVING MY PROBLEMS. The times when he sent me back with the words: "So, what are you standing here for? Go solve it!" I was so frustrated that he had not helped me. It was only later I understood his invaluable help. He helped me help myself.

The ability to let go of helping/do the problem solving for someone and the ability to separate "my problems" from "your problems" from "our problems" are rare in any relationships. I see managers failing constantly. I see marriages failing constantly. And I do acknowledge that is is very tough to learn. However it is SO ESSENTIAL for successful and healthy relationships.

It is most of the time a long-term good management strategy to let people sort their problems out themselves. One reason is the employees grow through their problem solving, another is they feel accomplished when the problem has been fixed, and in the end let's not forget the fact that you get a little less worries to care about as a manager if you learn to let go of certain categories of problems.

And believe me, this is not a lazy approach, if it comes across to you that way. It is a survival approach. If you choose to handle all problems your employees encounter, placing yourself as the go-to-for-every-answer-person. Then you will in the end have a staff that depends on you entirely - yes, you will feel very needed and as if you can't ever leave work for a day - but you also many times end up in a burning spot. You are the bottleneck for all decisions being made.

I tell you this: You don't want that. You do want to strive for independent workers, that come to you with the REAL problems. That they can't solve themselves. You want to build a staff that you can trust and rely on that are secure in their roles. So they grow into greater problem solvers and make your business bloom.

You micro managers out there - LET GO! Clarify the responsibility and the goals. And the consequences. Then leave people to do their job.

In this process, you will need trust and patience. Patience to let people make the wrong decisions sometimes. Patience to ask questions instead of boosting out your own solution and opinions. Trust in their capability and growth. If you practise your patience and trust, you will end up with your team one day teaching YOU new things, and making YOU grow. That, my friends, is the reward.

Practise just to listen. Sometimes a problem just needs to be ventilated. The best solution you can hand your employees are the guiding questions they can learn to ask themselves in time: "OK, so you've told me this, this, and this. What are you going to do about it? What are your alternatives? And what are the consequences?"

With this simple question set, you have clearly stated the responsibility of solving the problem is theirs. You have also opened the road for alternative solutions. And you have guided them to think of the outcome of action choice. And best of all you have not tainted their creative minds with your opinions yet. Once they are done coming up with alternatives, you should:

1. Reward them (so they feel good about their process discovery): "Good suggestions."
2. Add additional options if necessary: "Another thing you can look into is...." "In addition to those options, I would also suggest looking at..."
3. Guide them towards the next step: "So now that you have the options, what will you do next and why?"

As a manager, you should only act as a process accelerator. The employees are hired to do their jobs. And you are the guide and enabler the help them achieve the goals. Just try that thought and see how it fits you.

And then again, patience, trust, listen. You will see results.

Conflict Solving

What can you do to solve conflicts in a constructive way? Very good question from one of my readers. Well, my tips are the following. Feel free to add your tips in comments to this entry.

Try to find several ways of solving conflict, so that you grow to handle many different people types.

The best ways of finding them, I would say, are either books on conflict solving, giving and receiving feedback, active listening, or alternatively (my favorite approach): trial and error... Practise, practise, practise. Jump into an opposite oppinion of someone else, and practise your constructive argumentation.

How does a constructive process look like then? Well, a few things I've learned that are good for constructive conflict solving:

1. Listen, listen, listen
   
2. Repeat the statements of your opponent: "So if I understand you correctly, you are saying...."
   
3. Confirmation or clarification
   
4. Think / formulate carefully (breathe if needed)
   
5. Respond ithout personal attacks or emotional judgment (very hard...I know)




• Avoid statements including "YOU ARE [accusation]..."




• Instead use: "What you do comes accross as [adjective]...."


• Avoid "It is..." (as you own the single point of truth)


• Instead use: "It seems to me like..."


• Avoid emotional judgement: "very" "always" "never", or "blame" "fault" "wrong"




• Preferrably with curiousity




• Ask questions rather than to analyse


• Assume you are wrong when listening, respond with statements on how you view it


• Listen with interest to learn a different point of view




• If helpful, state that it is good that you have discovered a conflict or different point of views and that you are interested in learning other perspectives



6. If your conflict partner is less experienced or respectful in their conflict solving process, take a few breaths and try to not trigger on any cheap shots... Easy to say, harder to do sometimes :)
   
7. Summarize both perspectives (or all, if you have chosen to find even more angles on the topic, which is good in situations where it is suitable to show that there are even further options on how to view it...)
   
8. Make a decision (if required) and commit to disagree if necessary. You can still move forward, even if you don't agree. That is also solving the conflict, as long as you have understood each others point of view.

And remember, in different cultures it is either triggering or respectful to stay calm (or raise the voice), so don't always rely on your country-traditions as input if someone is upset or not.