Feedback is Essential

Here is a thought: one reason why men gets promoted more quickly may be that they receive more feedback.

This is a personal observation, and may not apply to the general case (if there is such), but I have watched my male peers and how they have gotten a lot more feedback than I have, in previous employments.

I have off and on wondered why this is the case, and my empirical conclusion is that it is because there is more "risk" of emotional reaction when giving a female feedback. Women - in general - get more "hurt" by raw comments on what was "wrong" or what could be improved in their performance, presentations, or whatever it may be.

I want to encourage women to try their best to not push feedback-givers away, but reacting emotionally to what is said. Try to do the following:

1) Listen
2) Decide if the feedback is truly valid or if it is a projection made by the person giving it to you
3) Say thank you for the feedback
4) Sleep on it, then try to see what parts are applicable to your delivery and erase anything that are aimed at or based around assumptions around your person

1 -- It is important to hear it all, and then decide what to react to. At this stage, do not take anything in, just hear the words and comments.

2 -- Most people give poor feedback. And if it is given directly after the event, without you asking it, try just to appreciate that someone cared enough about your effort, and take the actual feedback-giving action as a BIG COMPLIMENT. After feeling GOOD about this, you can decide what content actually applies, what content is a projection of the feedback-giver's own flaws and areas of improvements (it is very common to give feedback on what you yourself usually need to improve.....try to observe this next time you hear feedback, and smile when you recognize a projection...it is usually funny!). And try to filter as much emotion away from the actual useful feedback - if any!

3 -- Always say thank you to any feedback giver. This will encourage more feedback going forward, and a better way to fine tune your skills into the next level. If heard by others, it will encourage more feedback channels - which is something you should WANT. How else will you grow and improve?

4 -- Only take in what is useful. Remember that no one can give you feedback on WHO YOU ARE only on WHAT YOU DO. So, you can easily ignore comments like: you suck, you are a lousy designer....or whatever.... you should however listen to people who say: your solution sucks, your design is full of flaws - you have things to learn in these situations, especially if you are curious enough to ask "why? what do you mean by it sucks? can you exemplify what you mean by good vs bad design? etc etc"

Again, always embrace feedback givers. Thank them. Take it as a compliment. And then DECIDE what parts of the feedback you think applies or you think is actually valuable for your future growth.

And, to tie in with the beginning of this entry: it is unfortunate that men tend to give men feedback, and do not dare (?) to give us women the same straight forward feedback. The trick here is to ASK for it. From your boss (not only during performance evaluation, but DIRECTLY after a presentation etc), from your peers (e.g. "Hey, btw, what did you think of this meeting? Any feedback you wanna give me?"). Ask. Ask. And ask again. If you don't get feedback, you will not grow.

And then one last thing. PLEASE PRACTISE on giving feedback as well. A good leader knows when to praise and when to correct, and always to only correct what you DO not make any comments on WHO YOU ARE.

FEEDBACK IS GOOD.

Conflict Solving

What can you do to solve conflicts in a constructive way? Very good question from one of my readers. Well, my tips are the following. Feel free to add your tips in comments to this entry.

Try to find several ways of solving conflict, so that you grow to handle many different people types.

The best ways of finding them, I would say, are either books on conflict solving, giving and receiving feedback, active listening, or alternatively (my favorite approach): trial and error... Practise, practise, practise. Jump into an opposite oppinion of someone else, and practise your constructive argumentation.

How does a constructive process look like then? Well, a few things I've learned that are good for constructive conflict solving:

1. Listen, listen, listen
   
2. Repeat the statements of your opponent: "So if I understand you correctly, you are saying...."
   
3. Confirmation or clarification
   
4. Think / formulate carefully (breathe if needed)
   
5. Respond ithout personal attacks or emotional judgment (very hard...I know)




• Avoid statements including "YOU ARE [accusation]..."




• Instead use: "What you do comes accross as [adjective]...."


• Avoid "It is..." (as you own the single point of truth)


• Instead use: "It seems to me like..."


• Avoid emotional judgement: "very" "always" "never", or "blame" "fault" "wrong"




• Preferrably with curiousity




• Ask questions rather than to analyse


• Assume you are wrong when listening, respond with statements on how you view it


• Listen with interest to learn a different point of view




• If helpful, state that it is good that you have discovered a conflict or different point of views and that you are interested in learning other perspectives



6. If your conflict partner is less experienced or respectful in their conflict solving process, take a few breaths and try to not trigger on any cheap shots... Easy to say, harder to do sometimes :)
   
7. Summarize both perspectives (or all, if you have chosen to find even more angles on the topic, which is good in situations where it is suitable to show that there are even further options on how to view it...)
   
8. Make a decision (if required) and commit to disagree if necessary. You can still move forward, even if you don't agree. That is also solving the conflict, as long as you have understood each others point of view.

And remember, in different cultures it is either triggering or respectful to stay calm (or raise the voice), so don't always rely on your country-traditions as input if someone is upset or not.

The Invisible Umbrella

When I was in the beginning of my career I often took comments very seriously. Very personally. I remember that each day was important to me. Every meeting had an impact on my self-esteem. I was right out of school and thought there was so many rights and wrongs. It was a never ending process of judging myself based on reactions and interaction with others.

Gosh that was soooo energy-consuming. I am glad that I have found my way out of that, although I still feel it from time to time when interacting with new teams. I don't let myself get consumed by it anymore. Note to self: proud of that.

After an all-day meeting yesterday with company executives, I let the thought linguer in my head for a while, how I got to a place where I feel comfortable asking "stupid questions" and showing where I am vounorable. My best guesses are as follows:

1. Time, maturity, and experience. Yes. Of course. But that won't probably help others out there in a current situation. But please know that it gets better with time.
2. The no asshole rule - a book that helped giving me the key thought to use when someone is yelling my ears off - very unprofessionnally - for something that I did or did not do. These days I can think: "what an asshole...and that their behavior and incompetent communication skills are his or her problems to deal with". And since I do not let it affect me (yes, I AM IN CHARGE of deciding if it will take from my energy or not) I can these days reply with calm voice: "You don't need to talk to me this way. It is in my opinion very unprofessional. Why don't you come back when you are ready to behave respectfully, and I will listen to you then." It has certainly taken the edge of many situations.
3. Confront bad behavior immediately. "I do not appreciate when you.... A better way of interacting with me in a constructive way is.... Thanks in advance for considering this next time."
4. Don't be afraid. Others don't judge you as hard as yourself.
5. The umbrella vision - one of my mentors taught me this. When someone is bombarding you with their stress / anger / frustration, it is not yours to absorb. Their insults/demands - whatever - can be visualized like raindrops attacing you, but hitting your invisible umbrella that you pull up in front of you. This mental vision has helped me "shake it off like a man". And quicker move on with my day, and let go of the bad comments, and not let it STEAL ENERGY from me.

Basically just remember: it is YOUR DAY in YOUR LIFE. You own YOUR ENERGY. Don't let people steal it through THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR.