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If I had followed all the rules. If I had listened to all "good advise" that I have been given. If I had gone the safe paths that others had tried before me, showing on "this is how you do it" solutions. If I had done that more in my life, then I would never have learned as much, succeeded with as much, and advanced before my peers as much as I have today. I wouldn't have grown as much as I have either.
I am not saying you should reinvent the wheel, I am saying you should invent your own wheels in your shapes and forms and designs. I am saying you should find new ways to use old wheels. You should dare questioning why to use wheels at all. And you should create new wheels where there are none or where the wheels in place do not fit YOUR GROWTH PATH.
We are all individuals. We are all different. Who says we all learn and progress the same way? We all need our own path. Our own wheels.
People may have viewed me as "complicated", "difficult", "emotional", "stubborn", or "dramatic" at times. Well, I choose my own world, my own rules, my own limitations and values. I chose my own glasses to view the world through, and in my world the whole world CAN BE WRONG. Even if things have been proven before, it doesn't mean they are still true. And just because some people have decided it is best for them in their context to do certain things in a specific way, it doesn't mean you have to follow the same pattern. Maybe it doesn't fit who you are or who you want to be. You have the right - and every human being does own this right - to define who you are and what values you want to stick by. There are consequences of your choices, yes, but at least you own them if you have not let anyone else force you to become the person you are.
It is YOUR LIFE and YOUR CHOICES. There are NO RULES that you have to follow because someone says so or because someone else is limited by fear. The only entity - really - that you have to account to is yourself. You are your values and the consequences of your actions. Of course not excluding owning up to the responsibility of your actions.
Choose who you want to be. Choose your values. Live by them every day. And let no one else define your rules.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Decision Tools
Thanks for all your great emails! I really appreciate your very intelligent and thought-worthy questions. I feel like spending the whole weekend blogging to cover all your great topic requests. I enjoy the interest, so please keep sending your career questions (and other questions) to confidenthannah at gmail.com (avoiding spam...).
A question that came after my last blog entry, in various forms, where: how do you make the decision to change? Sometimes it is hard to know what the right thing to do is. Here are my tips on different ways to make a decision or at least get forward in a decision process. And please remember that most decisions are YOUR DECISION to make. If you dont' own the decision, then my best advise is to not spend energy worrying about it. What is out of your control is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Period.
__The Box Theory__
Usage: A decision process for cleaning out your inner closet (or task prioritizing)
Process:
Create three boxes (physical or virtual/mental) that are named:
1. yes/keep
2. maybe/evaluate later
3. no/let go
Sort your things or tasks in the boxes (first time is always the most time consuming one). Throw away the no-box entirely. Keep the yes box. And go through the maybe box the next time you evaluate. Everytime you evaluate you go through the maybe box and the new things you want to evaluate. And every third time you go through the yes box as well.
Fantastic thing is you feel 6 pounds lighter after each sort.
Why this works (my own theory and experience, loosely related to femal brain studies I've read):
The female brain is complexly wired since birth (female hormones stimulate neuron creation in female featuses moreso than in male featuses, read: the female brain). Since our multy-connected braincells gets heavily stimulated (moreso) during stress and hence activates more thoughts and topics and memories and WORRIES when we are hyper-active, we are in extra need of more concious brain-relaxation than sometimes men are. Visual sorting or Physical sorting, helps any brain to mentally sort complex tasks. That is why cleaning your room/house/apartment for some people feels so relaxing/eliberating. Sorting causes a feeling of organized thoughts, especially when we are done as that adds the feeling of accomplished. This helps our brains to relax and simulate a structured environment (physical or mental).
__The pro-con list__
Use: Helping to visualize a decision
Process:
Write down the pros and the cons of a decision on a piece of paper. Make a note at the bottom where your heart is at and where your brain is at, when the list is complete.
Leave it for a week, then revisit the list and add / change / remove. Keep the previous heart/brain notes, but add new ones.
Revisit every two days and make notes on your heart/brain state.
When another week has passed. Listen to your inner gut feeling voice and just make that decision.
Why this works (again, my own theory and experience):
Visualizing the plus side and the minus side sometimes helps seeing what "should" be the right decision. This doesn't always mean it is the right decision still, but it helps stating the logically right decision and helps you understand if the thing preventing your decision is that your heart is not aligned with your logic. A female brain uses both the logical brain half and the emotional brain half in decision making, in a more intertwined way, again due to the complex and more intense coupling since the featus stage. Hence, we can experience more often (talking in general terms here...of course there are individual aspects to consider) the conflict of heart and brain going against each other. Listing your decision factors, seeing the logic, and feeling the heart, and most importantly LETTING THE DECISION REST to get a trend analysis of heart and brain direction, has been helpful to me and many of my friends when evaluating a binary decision (e.g. a decision with only two outcomes).
__The Brewing Catalyst__
Usage: When you have a complex or big decision to make, and you think you have thought of all angles...but still don't feel closer to a decision
Process:
This have helped me whenever I have thought about changing a job or breaking a relationship (friendship, working/customer/partner, lifepartner, etc). You go to one of your relaxing zones (a cafe (I can recommend Bean Scene if you live near Mountain View, or Cafe Brasco at Folkungagatan if you happen to live in Stockholm), a library, a friends house, your backyard...wherever you go to read a book or hang out and relax with no outer interruptions). Bring a note book and a pen. (Order a tea or coffee??) And then let your pen run free for at least an hour...or until your thought dump is complete. Just write down anything that crosses your mind. Big or small. Empty your head onto your sheet. Write, write, write. And then close your notebook and leave. And don't spend any more thought on anything related to your decision.
After a week or two, repeat the procedure.
If you further want to speed up the process, make sure you do context switch or environmental change during the weekends inbetween. Go hiking in the woods, go to the beach for a whole day, go to a different part of town or interact with some new people/friends and talk about different topics.
IMPORTANT: Leave the decision topic to REST. The trick is your writing and leaving it alone, will activate your brain's background process.
Sleep a lot.
And then set a date two months out, review all your writing (at that same relaxation spot). And make your decision.
If you still can't make your decision based on all your facts in front of you and all your brewed thoughts in your notebook. Just make a decision anyway. One or the other...or the third. Just pick one. And fly with that decision until it doesn't feel right anymore.
The important thing is to make a decision and MOVE FORWARD. You can ALWAYS change a decision (well...perhaps not always, but most of the time the decisions we make after brewing are the right ones...so trust that you will make the right decision).
Why this works (my own theory and experience):
The brain works even when we are not actively thinking. It even works while we sleep. And spending active time worrying or dealing with a decision does not always help the process forward. Sometimes you actually need to leave the decision alone and REST. It will come to you. And you do need to give it time. The process of writing things down again helps visualizing and FORMULATING your thoughts. And it leaves you a feeling of having told someone or having explained the situation to yourself. A feeling of clarity.
__Summary__
Decisions are sometimes complicated to make. Give them time. Let the process take its path and let things brew. Help yourself with the tools that work for you. Write things down. And DONT BE AFRAID OF MAKING THE WRONG DECISION. There is no such thing, as if you end up in a non-optimal spot, you will still learn from that situation. And you then know with more certainty that you need to change path again. And final tip: don't be hard on yourself, during the process or if you end up in a weird situation after making the decision. You are just human, so don't ever beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself and try to do as much relaxing activities as possible. The brain and heart usually knows what to do, if you can just step out of your situation, relax, and look at it objectively. You have the tools to help yourself if you only TRUST in your CAPABILITY and if you LET YOURSELF DO MISTAKES from time to time. DON"T BE AFRAID TO MAKE DECISIONS. It is only if you don't make your decisions that you will end up with regrets. Don't let others make decisions for your, take charge. I bet you don't want to live someone else's life?
Don't be afraid. Make a decision.
A question that came after my last blog entry, in various forms, where: how do you make the decision to change? Sometimes it is hard to know what the right thing to do is. Here are my tips on different ways to make a decision or at least get forward in a decision process. And please remember that most decisions are YOUR DECISION to make. If you dont' own the decision, then my best advise is to not spend energy worrying about it. What is out of your control is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Period.
__The Box Theory__
Usage: A decision process for cleaning out your inner closet (or task prioritizing)
Process:
Create three boxes (physical or virtual/mental) that are named:
1. yes/keep
2. maybe/evaluate later
3. no/let go
Sort your things or tasks in the boxes (first time is always the most time consuming one). Throw away the no-box entirely. Keep the yes box. And go through the maybe box the next time you evaluate. Everytime you evaluate you go through the maybe box and the new things you want to evaluate. And every third time you go through the yes box as well.
Fantastic thing is you feel 6 pounds lighter after each sort.
Why this works (my own theory and experience, loosely related to femal brain studies I've read):
The female brain is complexly wired since birth (female hormones stimulate neuron creation in female featuses moreso than in male featuses, read: the female brain). Since our multy-connected braincells gets heavily stimulated (moreso) during stress and hence activates more thoughts and topics and memories and WORRIES when we are hyper-active, we are in extra need of more concious brain-relaxation than sometimes men are. Visual sorting or Physical sorting, helps any brain to mentally sort complex tasks. That is why cleaning your room/house/apartment for some people feels so relaxing/eliberating. Sorting causes a feeling of organized thoughts, especially when we are done as that adds the feeling of accomplished. This helps our brains to relax and simulate a structured environment (physical or mental).
__The pro-con list__
Use: Helping to visualize a decision
Process:
Write down the pros and the cons of a decision on a piece of paper. Make a note at the bottom where your heart is at and where your brain is at, when the list is complete.
Leave it for a week, then revisit the list and add / change / remove. Keep the previous heart/brain notes, but add new ones.
Revisit every two days and make notes on your heart/brain state.
When another week has passed. Listen to your inner gut feeling voice and just make that decision.
Why this works (again, my own theory and experience):
Visualizing the plus side and the minus side sometimes helps seeing what "should" be the right decision. This doesn't always mean it is the right decision still, but it helps stating the logically right decision and helps you understand if the thing preventing your decision is that your heart is not aligned with your logic. A female brain uses both the logical brain half and the emotional brain half in decision making, in a more intertwined way, again due to the complex and more intense coupling since the featus stage. Hence, we can experience more often (talking in general terms here...of course there are individual aspects to consider) the conflict of heart and brain going against each other. Listing your decision factors, seeing the logic, and feeling the heart, and most importantly LETTING THE DECISION REST to get a trend analysis of heart and brain direction, has been helpful to me and many of my friends when evaluating a binary decision (e.g. a decision with only two outcomes).
__The Brewing Catalyst__
Usage: When you have a complex or big decision to make, and you think you have thought of all angles...but still don't feel closer to a decision
Process:
This have helped me whenever I have thought about changing a job or breaking a relationship (friendship, working/customer/partner, lifepartner, etc). You go to one of your relaxing zones (a cafe (I can recommend Bean Scene if you live near Mountain View, or Cafe Brasco at Folkungagatan if you happen to live in Stockholm), a library, a friends house, your backyard...wherever you go to read a book or hang out and relax with no outer interruptions). Bring a note book and a pen. (Order a tea or coffee??) And then let your pen run free for at least an hour...or until your thought dump is complete. Just write down anything that crosses your mind. Big or small. Empty your head onto your sheet. Write, write, write. And then close your notebook and leave. And don't spend any more thought on anything related to your decision.
After a week or two, repeat the procedure.
If you further want to speed up the process, make sure you do context switch or environmental change during the weekends inbetween. Go hiking in the woods, go to the beach for a whole day, go to a different part of town or interact with some new people/friends and talk about different topics.
IMPORTANT: Leave the decision topic to REST. The trick is your writing and leaving it alone, will activate your brain's background process.
Sleep a lot.
And then set a date two months out, review all your writing (at that same relaxation spot). And make your decision.
If you still can't make your decision based on all your facts in front of you and all your brewed thoughts in your notebook. Just make a decision anyway. One or the other...or the third. Just pick one. And fly with that decision until it doesn't feel right anymore.
The important thing is to make a decision and MOVE FORWARD. You can ALWAYS change a decision (well...perhaps not always, but most of the time the decisions we make after brewing are the right ones...so trust that you will make the right decision).
Why this works (my own theory and experience):
The brain works even when we are not actively thinking. It even works while we sleep. And spending active time worrying or dealing with a decision does not always help the process forward. Sometimes you actually need to leave the decision alone and REST. It will come to you. And you do need to give it time. The process of writing things down again helps visualizing and FORMULATING your thoughts. And it leaves you a feeling of having told someone or having explained the situation to yourself. A feeling of clarity.
__Summary__
Decisions are sometimes complicated to make. Give them time. Let the process take its path and let things brew. Help yourself with the tools that work for you. Write things down. And DONT BE AFRAID OF MAKING THE WRONG DECISION. There is no such thing, as if you end up in a non-optimal spot, you will still learn from that situation. And you then know with more certainty that you need to change path again. And final tip: don't be hard on yourself, during the process or if you end up in a weird situation after making the decision. You are just human, so don't ever beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself and try to do as much relaxing activities as possible. The brain and heart usually knows what to do, if you can just step out of your situation, relax, and look at it objectively. You have the tools to help yourself if you only TRUST in your CAPABILITY and if you LET YOURSELF DO MISTAKES from time to time. DON"T BE AFRAID TO MAKE DECISIONS. It is only if you don't make your decisions that you will end up with regrets. Don't let others make decisions for your, take charge. I bet you don't want to live someone else's life?
Don't be afraid. Make a decision.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
To Jump or not to Jump
Some time ago I started a new job. A really exciting position with a smaller company. I am not sure I have come to a true understanding yet what this new job means, but I have a few thoughts to share so far.
It is always hard to make the choice of leaving a secure employment, where you know you are doing a good job and have several years that you can grow and feel safe. However, if you don't feel motivated and inspired, if you don't get energized in your every day, then you must take a moment and have the courage to change your situation. You can't stay put just because it is safe. Your life is passing as you drain your energy on tasks or people that don't stimulate you. You have to ask yourself the question: is this really how I want to spend a third of my life (8+hrs a day)?
I was so nervous at first that I risked everything. Who wouldn't be? A safe income, a great career... But after a few weeks of decision process (these decisions should not be made lightly, as the grass is seldom greener), I came to the conclusion that it was all worth it.
I made the jump. I changed my job. And here I am, trying to take it all in. The new situation, the new products, people, and challenges.
And a conversation from the past with my older sister comes to mind. These words were said in a different context, but are so valid here:
I said: Sure, I'll be scared and nervous again. But I know I will make it. Whatever happens, I know I'll get through it.
My sister said: I can so identify with what you are saying. These words, I think, are a sign of maturing. To see that you are not always ready. Not always on top of things. BUT you do have the tools to tackle new challenges and land on your feet. My husband usually says: Honey, when did it really go bad when you tried your best?
And isn't he right? Isn't our best enough? I will tackle these new assignments with the tools I am equipped with so far. And fight my fear of failure (yes, in spite of all success one still fear failure...). And if I just try my best, I will either win or learn.
I believe we all are born with a good inuition what we need to do. And what the next step is. It is just harder for some to allow themselves to listen to that inner voice.
Don't fear change. Don't fear to jump onto new challenges. It is the chances you don't take that you will regret. Again, and this can't be said enough times, the fear of failure is the one thing that limits your capabilities. We all need to fight our fears, how else will we grow and learn?
Step outside your comfort zone. Listen to your inner voice who knows exactly what you need to do, even if it frightens you. And just JUMP! It will turn out to something really good for you. I promise.
Don't fear the jumps, just plan for the landings.
It is always hard to make the choice of leaving a secure employment, where you know you are doing a good job and have several years that you can grow and feel safe. However, if you don't feel motivated and inspired, if you don't get energized in your every day, then you must take a moment and have the courage to change your situation. You can't stay put just because it is safe. Your life is passing as you drain your energy on tasks or people that don't stimulate you. You have to ask yourself the question: is this really how I want to spend a third of my life (8+hrs a day)?
I was so nervous at first that I risked everything. Who wouldn't be? A safe income, a great career... But after a few weeks of decision process (these decisions should not be made lightly, as the grass is seldom greener), I came to the conclusion that it was all worth it.
I made the jump. I changed my job. And here I am, trying to take it all in. The new situation, the new products, people, and challenges.
And a conversation from the past with my older sister comes to mind. These words were said in a different context, but are so valid here:
I said: Sure, I'll be scared and nervous again. But I know I will make it. Whatever happens, I know I'll get through it.
My sister said: I can so identify with what you are saying. These words, I think, are a sign of maturing. To see that you are not always ready. Not always on top of things. BUT you do have the tools to tackle new challenges and land on your feet. My husband usually says: Honey, when did it really go bad when you tried your best?
And isn't he right? Isn't our best enough? I will tackle these new assignments with the tools I am equipped with so far. And fight my fear of failure (yes, in spite of all success one still fear failure...). And if I just try my best, I will either win or learn.
I believe we all are born with a good inuition what we need to do. And what the next step is. It is just harder for some to allow themselves to listen to that inner voice.
Don't fear change. Don't fear to jump onto new challenges. It is the chances you don't take that you will regret. Again, and this can't be said enough times, the fear of failure is the one thing that limits your capabilities. We all need to fight our fears, how else will we grow and learn?
Step outside your comfort zone. Listen to your inner voice who knows exactly what you need to do, even if it frightens you. And just JUMP! It will turn out to something really good for you. I promise.
Don't fear the jumps, just plan for the landings.
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