Decision Tools

Thanks for all your great emails! I really appreciate your very intelligent and thought-worthy questions. I feel like spending the whole weekend blogging to cover all your great topic requests. I enjoy the interest, so please keep sending your career questions (and other questions) to confidenthannah at gmail.com (avoiding spam...).

A question that came after my last blog entry, in various forms, where: how do you make the decision to change? Sometimes it is hard to know what the right thing to do is. Here are my tips on different ways to make a decision or at least get forward in a decision process. And please remember that most decisions are YOUR DECISION to make. If you dont' own the decision, then my best advise is to not spend energy worrying about it. What is out of your control is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Period.

__The Box Theory__
Usage: A decision process for cleaning out your inner closet (or task prioritizing)

Process:
Create three boxes (physical or virtual/mental) that are named:
1. yes/keep
2. maybe/evaluate later
3. no/let go

Sort your things or tasks in the boxes (first time is always the most time consuming one). Throw away the no-box entirely. Keep the yes box. And go through the maybe box the next time you evaluate. Everytime you evaluate you go through the maybe box and the new things you want to evaluate. And every third time you go through the yes box as well.

Fantastic thing is you feel 6 pounds lighter after each sort.

Why this works (my own theory and experience, loosely related to femal brain studies I've read):
The female brain is complexly wired since birth (female hormones stimulate neuron creation in female featuses moreso than in male featuses, read: the female brain). Since our multy-connected braincells gets heavily stimulated (moreso) during stress and hence activates more thoughts and topics and memories and WORRIES when we are hyper-active, we are in extra need of more concious brain-relaxation than sometimes men are. Visual sorting or Physical sorting, helps any brain to mentally sort complex tasks. That is why cleaning your room/house/apartment for some people feels so relaxing/eliberating. Sorting causes a feeling of organized thoughts, especially when we are done as that adds the feeling of accomplished. This helps our brains to relax and simulate a structured environment (physical or mental).

__The pro-con list__
Use: Helping to visualize a decision

Process:
Write down the pros and the cons of a decision on a piece of paper. Make a note at the bottom where your heart is at and where your brain is at, when the list is complete.

Leave it for a week, then revisit the list and add / change / remove. Keep the previous heart/brain notes, but add new ones.

Revisit every two days and make notes on your heart/brain state.

When another week has passed. Listen to your inner gut feeling voice and just make that decision.

Why this works (again, my own theory and experience):
Visualizing the plus side and the minus side sometimes helps seeing what "should" be the right decision. This doesn't always mean it is the right decision still, but it helps stating the logically right decision and helps you understand if the thing preventing your decision is that your heart is not aligned with your logic. A female brain uses both the logical brain half and the emotional brain half in decision making, in a more intertwined way, again due to the complex and more intense coupling since the featus stage. Hence, we can experience more often (talking in general terms here...of course there are individual aspects to consider) the conflict of heart and brain going against each other. Listing your decision factors, seeing the logic, and feeling the heart, and most importantly LETTING THE DECISION REST to get a trend analysis of heart and brain direction, has been helpful to me and many of my friends when evaluating a binary decision (e.g. a decision with only two outcomes).

__The Brewing Catalyst__
Usage: When you have a complex or big decision to make, and you think you have thought of all angles...but still don't feel closer to a decision

Process:
This have helped me whenever I have thought about changing a job or breaking a relationship (friendship, working/customer/partner, lifepartner, etc). You go to one of your relaxing zones (a cafe (I can recommend Bean Scene if you live near Mountain View, or Cafe Brasco at Folkungagatan if you happen to live in Stockholm), a library, a friends house, your backyard...wherever you go to read a book or hang out and relax with no outer interruptions). Bring a note book and a pen. (Order a tea or coffee??) And then let your pen run free for at least an hour...or until your thought dump is complete. Just write down anything that crosses your mind. Big or small. Empty your head onto your sheet. Write, write, write. And then close your notebook and leave. And don't spend any more thought on anything related to your decision.

After a week or two, repeat the procedure.

If you further want to speed up the process, make sure you do context switch or environmental change during the weekends inbetween. Go hiking in the woods, go to the beach for a whole day, go to a different part of town or interact with some new people/friends and talk about different topics.

IMPORTANT: Leave the decision topic to REST. The trick is your writing and leaving it alone, will activate your brain's background process.

Sleep a lot.

And then set a date two months out, review all your writing (at that same relaxation spot). And make your decision.

If you still can't make your decision based on all your facts in front of you and all your brewed thoughts in your notebook. Just make a decision anyway. One or the other...or the third. Just pick one. And fly with that decision until it doesn't feel right anymore.

The important thing is to make a decision and MOVE FORWARD. You can ALWAYS change a decision (well...perhaps not always, but most of the time the decisions we make after brewing are the right ones...so trust that you will make the right decision).

Why this works (my own theory and experience):
The brain works even when we are not actively thinking. It even works while we sleep. And spending active time worrying or dealing with a decision does not always help the process forward. Sometimes you actually need to leave the decision alone and REST. It will come to you. And you do need to give it time. The process of writing things down again helps visualizing and FORMULATING your thoughts. And it leaves you a feeling of having told someone or having explained the situation to yourself. A feeling of clarity.

__Summary__
Decisions are sometimes complicated to make. Give them time. Let the process take its path and let things brew. Help yourself with the tools that work for you. Write things down. And DONT BE AFRAID OF MAKING THE WRONG DECISION. There is no such thing, as if you end up in a non-optimal spot, you will still learn from that situation. And you then know with more certainty that you need to change path again. And final tip: don't be hard on yourself, during the process or if you end up in a weird situation after making the decision. You are just human, so don't ever beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself and try to do as much relaxing activities as possible. The brain and heart usually knows what to do, if you can just step out of your situation, relax, and look at it objectively. You have the tools to help yourself if you only TRUST in your CAPABILITY and if you LET YOURSELF DO MISTAKES from time to time. DON"T BE AFRAID TO MAKE DECISIONS. It is only if you don't make your decisions that you will end up with regrets. Don't let others make decisions for your, take charge. I bet you don't want to live someone else's life?

Don't be afraid. Make a decision.

Importance of Female Networks

It has been highlighted so many times, but I think it is worth mentioning again: the importance of building female supportive networks. And with that I don't necessarily mean your closest friends, but rather a diverse group of women representing different perspectives and backgrounds. From several ages and occupation categories. A group of individuals that can constitute a collected knowledge and experience base and a safety net when you feel like you are falling.

Perhaps the value lies in the relief of sharing your burdens? Perhaps it's in the realization that you are not alone in many situations? But even more important, I think, is that it consists of individuals you can relate to and respect, which enables you to learn from their experience.

I recently went to Big Sur for a birthday event for one of my dear friends. It was a group of 10 or so women. Ages between 25-45. We went for hikes in Pfeiffer, massages at Esalen, and good dinners and wine at nearby popular Big Sur Bakery. The whole experience was fantastic and provided true soul food. The idea of spending a few days together with a group of women only (friends and acquaintances) turned out to be both fun and inspiring. It was indeed a time for reconnection with ourselves as well as mother nature's beauty. But I still believe the major component of the lightness I felt after the event was the connection with the other women.

I suddenly found myself surrounded with insights I could truly use and reflect upon. Advise around how to balance family life and career. Advise around how to get the spark back into stressed and old relationships. Advise on how to give yourself a self-esteem boost. Advise on how to handle resignation, sorrow, divorce, and parenthood challenges. A flood of knowledge and insights. And even though I may not be in all these situations at the current point in time, I truly felt I learned good insights and tips - and perspectives - on how to deal with LIFE.

What I learned is too much to cover in one single blog, but what I can and will share here and now is that I felt so much better after time with these strong, independent, and positive women. It was like someone had helped me cleaning out the attic. And I for sure will take the energy and time on a regular basis to get together with my own female network - preferably in a larger group - and share my smaller and bigger concerns. Who doesn't want a clean and organized attic?

Another way of trying to describe the value is: in our casual conversations the little things I didn't even thought I worried about was discussed and suddenly there was a feeling of relief and enlightenment. Again a proof that conversation and how talking things through can help you get clarity on what your priorities and real problems to focus on may be.

A big thank you to the women attending the event, who so openly shared their life stories and their warm hearts, as well as their gathered wisdom. I truly enjoyed our conversations.

Thank you.

Where to Draw the Humor Line

A friend of a friend just told me a story that happened to her. She is a director at a high-tech company and works mainly with VP-level male coworkers and customers. It is very important in her job to gain respect, as she influences and sets the strategies for products based on strategic customer partnerships.

At this late afternoon mingle event, where different sales team managers and product management VPs were gathering, after a full day of meetings and discussions, it is in the company culture to network and reinforce important strategic and political relations. Fairly new in the game (she had only worked in her position for a little less than a year) it was very important to make a good and respectful impression on some of the VPs. One of them, let us call him John, had already established good connection with my friend's friend, let's call her Anna. And as John and Anna was talking about their meeting that happened earlier during the day, suddenly Anna's manager walks up to the group and wants to join the conversation. For the record there were three or four other high-up people in the ring of conversation too, just listening but paying attention to the conversation for sure.

Anna's manager suddenly interrupts (and this will be another topic of mine later, why male managers feel like they have to interrupt women in their teams!) and asks John how he has been doing. Again, for the record, John is a key player for the next years sales strategies, so it is a moment of competition at this time to get his time and attention. John politely answers, with an apologetic look to Anna. Anna's manager continues and suggests John to catch up with Anna later during the week. John informs the manager that the two of them have already had a very valuable and fruitful meeting, and that he is very happy to see Anna prosper and make such progress in the team in such short time. Anna feels complimented within, and is just about to give a positive feedback to John, when Anna's manager suddenly says:

"Yeah, you never know with Anna, she is so unpredictable. She's on cycles you know...he he". The whole circle of people turns very quiet. John doesn't know what to say and has a very disturbed and surprised look on his face. Not to mention Anna, whose jaw has dropped. The manager laughs a bit nervously and leaves the circle. John turns back to Anna and gives her a very compationate look, that somewhat tells her that it is her manager who was the jerk here, and she is not at fault.

Of course she is not. What a jerk! Even if women are on cycles, and our moods may vary or our strengths against raw comments may be inconsistent, I believe that there are just as much problem dealing with male egos as their are with hormonal women. How can someone, in front of important key persons in particular, make such a bad joke. If it was a joke even.

It is distasteful. But to be fair, I guess if it is one time, one should let it pass? But still.... I couldn't believe what I heard when my friend told me about Anna's experience. And I am glad no one else laughed. I hope the circle's reaction made the manager get the message, and I believe that was the case, as he immediately left the group with an embarrassed laugh.

Later I was told that John had followed up with Anna again, and in passing mentioned how there are too few women in the high-tech business. He also told her that he had sponsored a college fund for women in technology. I admire John in this story. A very successful man, who is confident enough in his own position, to let others grow and feel respected. A man that respects women. Why are there so few of this kind of man?

By sharing this story, I want to encourrage you to treat your colleagues with great respect. Even if they are jerks. It will shine brighter and let you win long term. Remember that sometimes it takes just one disrespectful joke to make a lot of harm.

And if it ever happens to you, that you get disrespectful comments or jokes, don't let them ruin your integrity or self-esteem. Don't let jerks ruin your day! In that moment, try to remember John instead. Remember that there are other people out there who respect you and who believe in your capacity. John believes in you and that you can do it.

Just remember John.

A Good Start

I am starting this blog as I myself need a new start. I have had a long career with the same company for many years now. Well, the company has changed - through acquisitions and growth - so it feels like many different companies. But really it has been the same. The same technology. The same conflicts, just different people and different magnitudes.

I tried quite a few different roles. Worked with different people and various products. Worked on different continents. I would claim I have gone from a rookie to a pretty experienced person with a career that many of my friends from back home admire (or envy?). I don't feel like I am bragging, as I have deserved every inch of my working success. On my way I have met many challenges. But I want to feel like I can say with pride and no judgement from others that I am capable and accomplished. That I in some areas and by many people would be seen as a very successful lady.

However, it always feels strange to say this. Why? When I started questioning the reason, I ended up with the answer that it is because I have never been allowed to feel really really good about what I do. More is always expected. There is not much slack given. Or much cred.

I know that me, as many of my female friends, am in great need of acknowledgement and encourragement. I would love to state that we all need this, but I fail to see that is the shown reality. I see that women tend to need the verbal connection and reinforcement more.

And maybe this is the reason, or one of the many reasons and observations, to why I am starting this blog. I want to encourrage women out there that they can do it. You can do whatever you want. You are capable. It is only your own reinforced thoughts and fears that are limiting. Old patterns from traditional roles and expectations. From a male dominated social structure, that has been influenced by male thinking.

And don't get me wrong here. I am not saying male thinking is wrong in any way. I am just stating it is different. Based on valid biological differences. And hence the thought processes are different. The structures out there in the working place have mainly been constructed by male thought process. And that is why it sometimes feels so hard tough and impossible or unfair. Because it is a missmatch.

I suggest we create this blog together. To build better confidence in that we are not alone in our sometimes despair like feelings and situations. There are so many others who have felt the same hopelessness and fear or inequality. I hope you are with me on this. I want to make a difference. I want to make a new start. I want to make you believe, as I do believe, that you can do it!

You can do it.