Where to Draw the Humor Line

A friend of a friend just told me a story that happened to her. She is a director at a high-tech company and works mainly with VP-level male coworkers and customers. It is very important in her job to gain respect, as she influences and sets the strategies for products based on strategic customer partnerships.

At this late afternoon mingle event, where different sales team managers and product management VPs were gathering, after a full day of meetings and discussions, it is in the company culture to network and reinforce important strategic and political relations. Fairly new in the game (she had only worked in her position for a little less than a year) it was very important to make a good and respectful impression on some of the VPs. One of them, let us call him John, had already established good connection with my friend's friend, let's call her Anna. And as John and Anna was talking about their meeting that happened earlier during the day, suddenly Anna's manager walks up to the group and wants to join the conversation. For the record there were three or four other high-up people in the ring of conversation too, just listening but paying attention to the conversation for sure.

Anna's manager suddenly interrupts (and this will be another topic of mine later, why male managers feel like they have to interrupt women in their teams!) and asks John how he has been doing. Again, for the record, John is a key player for the next years sales strategies, so it is a moment of competition at this time to get his time and attention. John politely answers, with an apologetic look to Anna. Anna's manager continues and suggests John to catch up with Anna later during the week. John informs the manager that the two of them have already had a very valuable and fruitful meeting, and that he is very happy to see Anna prosper and make such progress in the team in such short time. Anna feels complimented within, and is just about to give a positive feedback to John, when Anna's manager suddenly says:

"Yeah, you never know with Anna, she is so unpredictable. She's on cycles you know...he he". The whole circle of people turns very quiet. John doesn't know what to say and has a very disturbed and surprised look on his face. Not to mention Anna, whose jaw has dropped. The manager laughs a bit nervously and leaves the circle. John turns back to Anna and gives her a very compationate look, that somewhat tells her that it is her manager who was the jerk here, and she is not at fault.

Of course she is not. What a jerk! Even if women are on cycles, and our moods may vary or our strengths against raw comments may be inconsistent, I believe that there are just as much problem dealing with male egos as their are with hormonal women. How can someone, in front of important key persons in particular, make such a bad joke. If it was a joke even.

It is distasteful. But to be fair, I guess if it is one time, one should let it pass? But still.... I couldn't believe what I heard when my friend told me about Anna's experience. And I am glad no one else laughed. I hope the circle's reaction made the manager get the message, and I believe that was the case, as he immediately left the group with an embarrassed laugh.

Later I was told that John had followed up with Anna again, and in passing mentioned how there are too few women in the high-tech business. He also told her that he had sponsored a college fund for women in technology. I admire John in this story. A very successful man, who is confident enough in his own position, to let others grow and feel respected. A man that respects women. Why are there so few of this kind of man?

By sharing this story, I want to encourrage you to treat your colleagues with great respect. Even if they are jerks. It will shine brighter and let you win long term. Remember that sometimes it takes just one disrespectful joke to make a lot of harm.

And if it ever happens to you, that you get disrespectful comments or jokes, don't let them ruin your integrity or self-esteem. Don't let jerks ruin your day! In that moment, try to remember John instead. Remember that there are other people out there who respect you and who believe in your capacity. John believes in you and that you can do it.

Just remember John.

A Good Start

I am starting this blog as I myself need a new start. I have had a long career with the same company for many years now. Well, the company has changed - through acquisitions and growth - so it feels like many different companies. But really it has been the same. The same technology. The same conflicts, just different people and different magnitudes.

I tried quite a few different roles. Worked with different people and various products. Worked on different continents. I would claim I have gone from a rookie to a pretty experienced person with a career that many of my friends from back home admire (or envy?). I don't feel like I am bragging, as I have deserved every inch of my working success. On my way I have met many challenges. But I want to feel like I can say with pride and no judgement from others that I am capable and accomplished. That I in some areas and by many people would be seen as a very successful lady.

However, it always feels strange to say this. Why? When I started questioning the reason, I ended up with the answer that it is because I have never been allowed to feel really really good about what I do. More is always expected. There is not much slack given. Or much cred.

I know that me, as many of my female friends, am in great need of acknowledgement and encourragement. I would love to state that we all need this, but I fail to see that is the shown reality. I see that women tend to need the verbal connection and reinforcement more.

And maybe this is the reason, or one of the many reasons and observations, to why I am starting this blog. I want to encourrage women out there that they can do it. You can do whatever you want. You are capable. It is only your own reinforced thoughts and fears that are limiting. Old patterns from traditional roles and expectations. From a male dominated social structure, that has been influenced by male thinking.

And don't get me wrong here. I am not saying male thinking is wrong in any way. I am just stating it is different. Based on valid biological differences. And hence the thought processes are different. The structures out there in the working place have mainly been constructed by male thought process. And that is why it sometimes feels so hard tough and impossible or unfair. Because it is a missmatch.

I suggest we create this blog together. To build better confidence in that we are not alone in our sometimes despair like feelings and situations. There are so many others who have felt the same hopelessness and fear or inequality. I hope you are with me on this. I want to make a difference. I want to make a new start. I want to make you believe, as I do believe, that you can do it!

You can do it.