The Power Game

I talked to a friend of mine the other day, who was upset about how her manager had cut her off during a meeting with VPs. It reminded me of a situation that happened to me a few years back.

I was invloved in an education program for global sales. We were 4-6 people developing content that would reach 200 trainers, who would travel out in the world and educate our sales forces. I was part of this group. Contributing equally with the others to the deliverables. At the event, each of the group memebers were assigned different passages of the training sessions. My passage was 20 minutes. All the other guys' parts were scheduled for 1 hour each.

Oh well. I thought: I am the greenest in these contexts, so maybe it is a "try run" and kind of a test from my boss to see if I can do it. Perhaps he is testing me so I can get more of these assignements for the next round. I prepared my session and thought I did a pretty good job putting something clear and communicative presentation material together. The others did their parts too, but most of them had just cut together from previous presentation decks, so the flows of their material weren't as worked through as mine.

They each gave their sessions, and of course exceeded their time limits. When it was my turn my manager asked me to cover what I had in 10 minutes, with the motivation that we were running out of time. Irritated, but cooperative, I cut out a few parts of my session.

In the first minutes of my presentation my boss suddenly starts to interrupt me. "Clarifying" what I just said. I have never felt so humiliated and belittled in the last 5 years of my career. I have always had good ratings on presentaiton skills. People like my energy, my simple way of explaining things, and my many levels of communcation. I strongly doubt I had a sudden episode of communication-disability. I doubt that he had to "clarify" anything. His clarifications were more interruptive than anything else. And he distrupted the planned flow, and I had to regain control of the session several times.

Not only did I miss out on important parts, due to lack of time, but he made me take other tracks than I planned with my messages. When I confronted him, a few weeks later, when things had calmed down a bit, he asked me to confront him "in context" next time, as he couldn't recall the session I was referring to. Hm. How many training session did I give?

Later I reflected objectively and ended up that he might have just wanted to reinforce and repeat important messages, so his intention would not have been interrupting or clarifying, but instead highlighting what I said. Perhaps. There are always two sides of a story, and I would rather give someone benefit of a doubt. The challenge is however still there: how do you win back the lost power, when someone has made an action which has caused deminishing harm?

One trick that I have learned is to thank the interrupting and belittleing person for his/her ADDITIONS to your messaging, but maybe some of you have better power language tricks and tips? Feel free to comment and share your power game stories and advise.

Where to Draw the Humor Line

A friend of a friend just told me a story that happened to her. She is a director at a high-tech company and works mainly with VP-level male coworkers and customers. It is very important in her job to gain respect, as she influences and sets the strategies for products based on strategic customer partnerships.

At this late afternoon mingle event, where different sales team managers and product management VPs were gathering, after a full day of meetings and discussions, it is in the company culture to network and reinforce important strategic and political relations. Fairly new in the game (she had only worked in her position for a little less than a year) it was very important to make a good and respectful impression on some of the VPs. One of them, let us call him John, had already established good connection with my friend's friend, let's call her Anna. And as John and Anna was talking about their meeting that happened earlier during the day, suddenly Anna's manager walks up to the group and wants to join the conversation. For the record there were three or four other high-up people in the ring of conversation too, just listening but paying attention to the conversation for sure.

Anna's manager suddenly interrupts (and this will be another topic of mine later, why male managers feel like they have to interrupt women in their teams!) and asks John how he has been doing. Again, for the record, John is a key player for the next years sales strategies, so it is a moment of competition at this time to get his time and attention. John politely answers, with an apologetic look to Anna. Anna's manager continues and suggests John to catch up with Anna later during the week. John informs the manager that the two of them have already had a very valuable and fruitful meeting, and that he is very happy to see Anna prosper and make such progress in the team in such short time. Anna feels complimented within, and is just about to give a positive feedback to John, when Anna's manager suddenly says:

"Yeah, you never know with Anna, she is so unpredictable. She's on cycles you know...he he". The whole circle of people turns very quiet. John doesn't know what to say and has a very disturbed and surprised look on his face. Not to mention Anna, whose jaw has dropped. The manager laughs a bit nervously and leaves the circle. John turns back to Anna and gives her a very compationate look, that somewhat tells her that it is her manager who was the jerk here, and she is not at fault.

Of course she is not. What a jerk! Even if women are on cycles, and our moods may vary or our strengths against raw comments may be inconsistent, I believe that there are just as much problem dealing with male egos as their are with hormonal women. How can someone, in front of important key persons in particular, make such a bad joke. If it was a joke even.

It is distasteful. But to be fair, I guess if it is one time, one should let it pass? But still.... I couldn't believe what I heard when my friend told me about Anna's experience. And I am glad no one else laughed. I hope the circle's reaction made the manager get the message, and I believe that was the case, as he immediately left the group with an embarrassed laugh.

Later I was told that John had followed up with Anna again, and in passing mentioned how there are too few women in the high-tech business. He also told her that he had sponsored a college fund for women in technology. I admire John in this story. A very successful man, who is confident enough in his own position, to let others grow and feel respected. A man that respects women. Why are there so few of this kind of man?

By sharing this story, I want to encourrage you to treat your colleagues with great respect. Even if they are jerks. It will shine brighter and let you win long term. Remember that sometimes it takes just one disrespectful joke to make a lot of harm.

And if it ever happens to you, that you get disrespectful comments or jokes, don't let them ruin your integrity or self-esteem. Don't let jerks ruin your day! In that moment, try to remember John instead. Remember that there are other people out there who respect you and who believe in your capacity. John believes in you and that you can do it.

Just remember John.