Embrace Yourself

I had such a good day at work today. Great things were done, and a lot of things were decided and wrapped up. It is a great feeling: accomplishment. We are usually so quick with bashing down on ourselves, so it is of THE GREATEST IMPORTANCE to take a moment, whenever we have completed that task or whenever we feel that second of joy and fulfillment to:

1. Stop the time
2. Breathe 3 times
3. Take it all in

Just listen to your feeling. Enjoy what you have done. And linger in that moment. Let yourself feel good about you. Allow.

This is so important. However big or small the task is that makes you feel good. Just do this. Embrace the feeling. Cherish the moment of accomplishment. Let the moment of joy boost your self-esteem.

Embrace yourself.

Building Up Yourself

One of my readers asked me in an email (thanks for your emails btw!) what advise I have on boosting your own self-esteem. So here are my thoughts on this topic:

THE MIRROR TRICK
When you see yourself in the mirror in the morning, greet yourself and say three things about yourself that you like and/or are proud of.

Example
1. "I am proud of that I usually keep cool in critical situations"
2. "I am happy that I am such an adventurous person so I get to experience a lot"
3. "I like the fact that I am an encouraging mom"

If you want the super-boost, do it every morning and every night - for example when you have brushed your teeth.

Say it out loud so you see yourself, hear yourself, and think about yourself at the same time.

THE BED SIDE BOOK
This is a similar tool. Keep a bed-side note book by your bed. And every night, just before you turn out the lights and go to sleep, you write down three things you are proud of that day.

Soon you will see a pattern of waking up more happy about yourself and what you can do. The mornings start brighter.

Note that you must really try hard (especially if your self esteem is very low) to really try to feel the good feeling of being proud about yourself and your day. Block negative thinking. Try hard, it will get easier if you do it regularly.

THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE CIRCLE
Start saying the positive things you think about others. People get more positive by compliments (don't exaggerate though...) and will over time start giving you positive behavior back.

Laughter is contagious. So is a smile. And so is positive behavior. If you give compliments, people will start giving them back. And this will help boost your impression of yourself. But this is a side-boost, as the most important source for your self esteem should always be yourself and your own thoughts.

SELF-PEPPING
Try to inject every now and then through out the day:

1. Wohoo I am so good!!
2. I can do this, I know I can do this.
3. I am spectacularly fantabulous.

Or some other fun-you self-boosting key sentences. Not only will this self-complimenting help you like yourself and your compliments better. But it is your own vocabulary - not connected with any bad previous experience, not enforced to self-denial or self-criticism - that hopefully sets a smile on your face a few times through the day.

If you have trouble remembering to self-inject, then set a daily alarm in your cell phone.... Be creative!

PAMPER YOURSELF
Make sure to do happy things for yourself.

Tips:

• A bubble bath
• A good book and a hot cup of tea - and lock the door to be left alone for a while...
• A massage
• A pedicure (and make sure to get the deluxe while you are at it...)
• Paint your nails
• Sing out loud in your car to your favorite song

LEARN SOMETHING NEW
Outside work, try out something new. Doesn't have to be brain surgery advanced or anything. Take a class in arranging flowers. Create some pottery. Or even, just buy some paper and do a collage on your own. Just try something new once in a while.

After you have spent a few hours doing something new, take 10 minutes and just feel proud. Feel new. Feel accomplished. You are not only your work, your family demands, your everyday self. You are capable to learn and take in new experiences.

EXERCISE & VITAMINS
Yes. Endorphins will always give a better safety net for dips in your self-esteem. And so will your daily vitamins. Trust me. Or science.

The Invisible Umbrella

When I was in the beginning of my career I often took comments very seriously. Very personally. I remember that each day was important to me. Every meeting had an impact on my self-esteem. I was right out of school and thought there was so many rights and wrongs. It was a never ending process of judging myself based on reactions and interaction with others.

Gosh that was soooo energy-consuming. I am glad that I have found my way out of that, although I still feel it from time to time when interacting with new teams. I don't let myself get consumed by it anymore. Note to self: proud of that.

After an all-day meeting yesterday with company executives, I let the thought linguer in my head for a while, how I got to a place where I feel comfortable asking "stupid questions" and showing where I am vounorable. My best guesses are as follows:

1. Time, maturity, and experience. Yes. Of course. But that won't probably help others out there in a current situation. But please know that it gets better with time.
2. The no asshole rule - a book that helped giving me the key thought to use when someone is yelling my ears off - very unprofessionnally - for something that I did or did not do. These days I can think: "what an asshole...and that their behavior and incompetent communication skills are his or her problems to deal with". And since I do not let it affect me (yes, I AM IN CHARGE of deciding if it will take from my energy or not) I can these days reply with calm voice: "You don't need to talk to me this way. It is in my opinion very unprofessional. Why don't you come back when you are ready to behave respectfully, and I will listen to you then." It has certainly taken the edge of many situations.
3. Confront bad behavior immediately. "I do not appreciate when you.... A better way of interacting with me in a constructive way is.... Thanks in advance for considering this next time."
4. Don't be afraid. Others don't judge you as hard as yourself.
5. The umbrella vision - one of my mentors taught me this. When someone is bombarding you with their stress / anger / frustration, it is not yours to absorb. Their insults/demands - whatever - can be visualized like raindrops attacing you, but hitting your invisible umbrella that you pull up in front of you. This mental vision has helped me "shake it off like a man". And quicker move on with my day, and let go of the bad comments, and not let it STEAL ENERGY from me.

Basically just remember: it is YOUR DAY in YOUR LIFE. You own YOUR ENERGY. Don't let people steal it through THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR.

A Woman's Worth

Today I want to write about Lilly, or rather so many women like Lilly. She is a middle-aged beautiful sparkling woman I met at a festival last weekend. I had gone there with a couple of my friends, and we shared the same camping area. Today's blog will focus on women's self worth. In any relationships.

Lilly's story starts with her coming out of a really bad relationship. Frankly speaking, it sounded like a pretty abusive kind. To me that meant that she probably had been broken down over a longer period of time, and hit the bottom, but found an inch of self strength somewhere deep down and broken away. Congrat's to Lilly for that.

Not all women has this horrible experience, but many women still end up in a similar situation to where Lilly was when I met her a few days ago. Instead of seeing a single, strong, amazing, independent woman, these women are looking at themselves in the mirror as lonely, weak, and non-attractive "left overs". They basically stare at themselves with exagerated critical judgement. Feeling that not many chances will come their way anymore. In other words, they think they are not worth much on the market anymore.

This observation always makes me so sad. And furious. Lilly (and other women like her) is a beautiful woman. With a sparkling smile and personality. A giggling heart that one can easily fall in love with. And still she does not see this herself.

Why are the self-esteem dependent on the attention of a man for these women? Why is everything they seem to care and talk about how this and that man may or may not be interested in them or what these men think of them? And why are so many of these broken women often involved with married men (a.k.a. cheating jerks)? I so wished there was a light-bulb I could switch on for them. A light that would show them that they are amazing just as they are. That they don't need a man to confirm that for them.

These women fall over and over again for the wrong kind of men. Men that like the chase, the easy going, the smooth talking, the casual sex, and the non-commitment. Men that can make these women feel attractive - in their desperation for confirmation - for just a short while. The men that in the end treat them as they feel: with no worth.

To all Lilly-women out there, I would like to ask:
1) Why is your self esteem in the power and control of someone else? Wouldn't you want to own your own self-esteem?
2) Would you really want to be with a man that doesn't love you for all the amazing things that you are and are capable of?
3) Would you really like to settle with someone who can't understand how to treat you with respect?

If you want to change your life, I have the first step for you. It is very easy. I know you can do this!

Say to yourself in the mirror (loud and clear) every morning: "I am worth everything good in this world. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am capable. And I am (with no hesitation) worth to be treated with respect."

Use this as a mantra. Listen to your own voice growing stronger every day. Until you hear it. Until you feel it. Until you wake up one morning and see the light that helps you clearly distinguish between jerks and respectful gentlemen.

A real man would never treat a woman disrespectfully. Love starts with trust and respect. If you can't trust a guy and he can't respect you or you can't respect him, your relationship will never enable love. Just a distructive attraction or self-eliminating painful crush. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER!

Lilly wasn't the only one. There were at least four other women I talked to (only during this event) that had ended up in really bad relationships. And I am not blaming the men here. I ask of any person to stand up for themselves and ask for respect. Don't accept lies. Don't accept cheating. Don't accept disrespectful behavior. Ever. It will eat your self-esteem and your worth.

You are worth everything in this world. You deserve respect. EVERYONE does.