Conflict Solving

What can you do to solve conflicts in a constructive way? Very good question from one of my readers. Well, my tips are the following. Feel free to add your tips in comments to this entry.

Try to find several ways of solving conflict, so that you grow to handle many different people types.

The best ways of finding them, I would say, are either books on conflict solving, giving and receiving feedback, active listening, or alternatively (my favorite approach): trial and error... Practise, practise, practise. Jump into an opposite oppinion of someone else, and practise your constructive argumentation.

How does a constructive process look like then? Well, a few things I've learned that are good for constructive conflict solving:

1. Listen, listen, listen
   
2. Repeat the statements of your opponent: "So if I understand you correctly, you are saying...."
   
3. Confirmation or clarification
   
4. Think / formulate carefully (breathe if needed)
   
5. Respond ithout personal attacks or emotional judgment (very hard...I know)




• Avoid statements including "YOU ARE [accusation]..."




• Instead use: "What you do comes accross as [adjective]...."


• Avoid "It is..." (as you own the single point of truth)


• Instead use: "It seems to me like..."


• Avoid emotional judgement: "very" "always" "never", or "blame" "fault" "wrong"




• Preferrably with curiousity




• Ask questions rather than to analyse


• Assume you are wrong when listening, respond with statements on how you view it


• Listen with interest to learn a different point of view




• If helpful, state that it is good that you have discovered a conflict or different point of views and that you are interested in learning other perspectives



6. If your conflict partner is less experienced or respectful in their conflict solving process, take a few breaths and try to not trigger on any cheap shots... Easy to say, harder to do sometimes :)
   
7. Summarize both perspectives (or all, if you have chosen to find even more angles on the topic, which is good in situations where it is suitable to show that there are even further options on how to view it...)
   
8. Make a decision (if required) and commit to disagree if necessary. You can still move forward, even if you don't agree. That is also solving the conflict, as long as you have understood each others point of view.

And remember, in different cultures it is either triggering or respectful to stay calm (or raise the voice), so don't always rely on your country-traditions as input if someone is upset or not.

Importance of Female Networks

It has been highlighted so many times, but I think it is worth mentioning again: the importance of building female supportive networks. And with that I don't necessarily mean your closest friends, but rather a diverse group of women representing different perspectives and backgrounds. From several ages and occupation categories. A group of individuals that can constitute a collected knowledge and experience base and a safety net when you feel like you are falling.

Perhaps the value lies in the relief of sharing your burdens? Perhaps it's in the realization that you are not alone in many situations? But even more important, I think, is that it consists of individuals you can relate to and respect, which enables you to learn from their experience.

I recently went to Big Sur for a birthday event for one of my dear friends. It was a group of 10 or so women. Ages between 25-45. We went for hikes in Pfeiffer, massages at Esalen, and good dinners and wine at nearby popular Big Sur Bakery. The whole experience was fantastic and provided true soul food. The idea of spending a few days together with a group of women only (friends and acquaintances) turned out to be both fun and inspiring. It was indeed a time for reconnection with ourselves as well as mother nature's beauty. But I still believe the major component of the lightness I felt after the event was the connection with the other women.

I suddenly found myself surrounded with insights I could truly use and reflect upon. Advise around how to balance family life and career. Advise around how to get the spark back into stressed and old relationships. Advise on how to give yourself a self-esteem boost. Advise on how to handle resignation, sorrow, divorce, and parenthood challenges. A flood of knowledge and insights. And even though I may not be in all these situations at the current point in time, I truly felt I learned good insights and tips - and perspectives - on how to deal with LIFE.

What I learned is too much to cover in one single blog, but what I can and will share here and now is that I felt so much better after time with these strong, independent, and positive women. It was like someone had helped me cleaning out the attic. And I for sure will take the energy and time on a regular basis to get together with my own female network - preferably in a larger group - and share my smaller and bigger concerns. Who doesn't want a clean and organized attic?

Another way of trying to describe the value is: in our casual conversations the little things I didn't even thought I worried about was discussed and suddenly there was a feeling of relief and enlightenment. Again a proof that conversation and how talking things through can help you get clarity on what your priorities and real problems to focus on may be.

A big thank you to the women attending the event, who so openly shared their life stories and their warm hearts, as well as their gathered wisdom. I truly enjoyed our conversations.

Thank you.