Embrace Yourself

I had such a good day at work today. Great things were done, and a lot of things were decided and wrapped up. It is a great feeling: accomplishment. We are usually so quick with bashing down on ourselves, so it is of THE GREATEST IMPORTANCE to take a moment, whenever we have completed that task or whenever we feel that second of joy and fulfillment to:

1. Stop the time
2. Breathe 3 times
3. Take it all in

Just listen to your feeling. Enjoy what you have done. And linger in that moment. Let yourself feel good about you. Allow.

This is so important. However big or small the task is that makes you feel good. Just do this. Embrace the feeling. Cherish the moment of accomplishment. Let the moment of joy boost your self-esteem.

Embrace yourself.

Teach Others to Fish

We all know the saying of: "Give a man a fish, and he will not go hungry for the night. Teach him how to fish, and he will never go hungry again". (Comes in many versions...)

During my first work years I used to run to my boss all the time with urgent issues. I was insecure on what was the right things to do. I didn't trust my own experience and knowledge. And I was afraid to make mistakes.

My boss of course was annoyed with it, he must have been. But he showed me a lot of patience, and in the end helped me to help myself, by NOT SOLVING MY PROBLEMS. The times when he sent me back with the words: "So, what are you standing here for? Go solve it!" I was so frustrated that he had not helped me. It was only later I understood his invaluable help. He helped me help myself.

The ability to let go of helping/do the problem solving for someone and the ability to separate "my problems" from "your problems" from "our problems" are rare in any relationships. I see managers failing constantly. I see marriages failing constantly. And I do acknowledge that is is very tough to learn. However it is SO ESSENTIAL for successful and healthy relationships.

It is most of the time a long-term good management strategy to let people sort their problems out themselves. One reason is the employees grow through their problem solving, another is they feel accomplished when the problem has been fixed, and in the end let's not forget the fact that you get a little less worries to care about as a manager if you learn to let go of certain categories of problems.

And believe me, this is not a lazy approach, if it comes across to you that way. It is a survival approach. If you choose to handle all problems your employees encounter, placing yourself as the go-to-for-every-answer-person. Then you will in the end have a staff that depends on you entirely - yes, you will feel very needed and as if you can't ever leave work for a day - but you also many times end up in a burning spot. You are the bottleneck for all decisions being made.

I tell you this: You don't want that. You do want to strive for independent workers, that come to you with the REAL problems. That they can't solve themselves. You want to build a staff that you can trust and rely on that are secure in their roles. So they grow into greater problem solvers and make your business bloom.

You micro managers out there - LET GO! Clarify the responsibility and the goals. And the consequences. Then leave people to do their job.

In this process, you will need trust and patience. Patience to let people make the wrong decisions sometimes. Patience to ask questions instead of boosting out your own solution and opinions. Trust in their capability and growth. If you practise your patience and trust, you will end up with your team one day teaching YOU new things, and making YOU grow. That, my friends, is the reward.

Practise just to listen. Sometimes a problem just needs to be ventilated. The best solution you can hand your employees are the guiding questions they can learn to ask themselves in time: "OK, so you've told me this, this, and this. What are you going to do about it? What are your alternatives? And what are the consequences?"

With this simple question set, you have clearly stated the responsibility of solving the problem is theirs. You have also opened the road for alternative solutions. And you have guided them to think of the outcome of action choice. And best of all you have not tainted their creative minds with your opinions yet. Once they are done coming up with alternatives, you should:

1. Reward them (so they feel good about their process discovery): "Good suggestions."
2. Add additional options if necessary: "Another thing you can look into is...." "In addition to those options, I would also suggest looking at..."
3. Guide them towards the next step: "So now that you have the options, what will you do next and why?"

As a manager, you should only act as a process accelerator. The employees are hired to do their jobs. And you are the guide and enabler the help them achieve the goals. Just try that thought and see how it fits you.

And then again, patience, trust, listen. You will see results.

Activate Your Numbness

Today I woke up with back pain. I have been lazy on the exercise and this is the price I always pay. Lazy me. :)

So, I have been stuck an entire day (and previously in similar situation, for a week) in horizontal modus. And this is the worst kind of sick from some perspectives. Your body can't do what the mind wants to do: be active. You are forced into a "dead man's pose" but your brain slowly goes ballistic of the boredom and the nothingness of stimulation.

I guess you could watch a movie or two, or read a fantastic book. But after a while that too feels sickening. For an hour I casually browsed the web, but it is hard to use a keyboard when you are lying down. I stumbled however on a really interesting blog: http://lovinglifeblog.com/2009/08/12/when-life-gets-busy where I read a few posts. And the "Dead man attracts love" was a very timely one for my current position.

Anyway, thought I'd use this post to ask a few questions:

1. Is it dangerous with too much relaxation? Will this eventually numb your brain and creativity? Will you eventually get used to do nothing?

Example: a friend of mine in Germany got fired. First he was actively seeking new jobs. Then he got depressed as he didn't find any and turned it inward and felt less worth. And then he kind of settled in the situation. He is not actively seeking jobs anymore, and seems fine with it.

2. If your brain does not want stillness, should you force it? Maybe there are different kind of human types and some of them are relaxing in their fullest activity mode?

Example: a dear friend of mine is an A-type person, mega edition, and he is CTO for a huge company here in Silicon Valley (the high-pulse Mecca for IT-professionals) so he has an extreme workload. Constantly. Still, when he goes on vacation (which usually lasts one or two days + a weekend at the most!!) he has tried to go to "relaxing" destinations. Bora bora, Dominican, Brazil, Mexico beaches...you name it. But he gets frustrated, he's told me, and would feel much more relaxed enjoying fun and sights in a high-pulse town like Tokyo or Hongkong. The people and activity relaxes him.

So...does everyone really need relaxation in the "be still" form or are there some kinds who really need the activity to stay relaxed and non-frustrated/stressed?

I am probably one of those who need "Dead man's pose" the most. And I should do more Yoga and relaxation for sure. So maybe I should stop being lazy and force myself to actively relax. That will probably eliminate the risk of this horizontal forced relaxation that I am in right now.

Hope you see how I tied all that together. This is probably my proudest moment today. Something for my bedside book. :)

Choosing your Role Models

Who has influenced me the most in my career? Well, I have found myself differ from other successful career women and their choice of role models on at least one aspect. I have not looked for icons - and with that I mean the big names in the business.

Of course their stories are impressive, but there are much behind a person's success - timing, years of work and preparations....and mistakes! There are usually a manager before a really successful one, that has messed things up badly OR that has done all the work that the next manager gets the credit for. So how do you know who has really done what and who has just got on board the last minute, hired into a CEO position just when the market and company was ready to do the finally fine tuning and make an impressive result?

I have chosen instead to look for the capabilities I admire, and tried to learn from people a bit closer to me. I pick the ones that appeal to me and especially those with a great way of thinking - a different way of thinking. Age does not matter as much to me as what the person has accomplished and gone through. I have had younger role models. Female and male.

Let's picture it as a smorgasbord of features, where I can choose and pick the qualities I would like from a set of multiple capable people.

Here are a few things I have come to see as common factors in good role models that you will actually be able to learn from:
- Willingness to share their learning experiences
- Good listening skills
- Strong self esteem, little ego (a little self boost is good, but it should not occupy the whole conversation with a mentor)
- Curiosity
- Clear communication of thoughts and to the point conclusions
- Patience and strategic thinking
- Some kind of past including a phase of major life-struggle
- Blunt and honest
- Trustworthy and respectful

Where do you find these role models? Well, they don't grow on trees, so when you find a person you are impressed by and wish to learn more from, why not immediately give them your business card and ask if they would mind sharing some of their life experiences with you over a working lunch some time. Who wouldn't like that idea?

But make sure it is professionally connected, so they don't think you are asking them out. Best way of preventing misunderstanding is to share your agenda, example: you are at a point in your career where you are seeking external input and perspective, and would really appreciate to get together with interesting/experienced/blah... individuals that can inspire you along the way.

This is how I was invited to VIP mingle events with VCs and how I got a few business cards from CEOs in the valley. I was straight forward, not hesitating to ask a great role model candidate if he or she would be open to share some time with me once in a while, so I could learn from them.

At some later point in time, I will invite one of my best role models to blog about the importance of wing-women. Keep a look out for that blog entry (will have Guest Play: in the title).

Please keep sending me all your questions. I will eventually come around to blog about them, when inspiration is flowing.

Made of Stones

This is a follow up blog post to the "Pebbles in a Jar Story" posted recently. I was reminded by a dear friend of mine, how I had twisted the story when I told it to him.

I had advised him not to let the big pebbles get too big and too few. If you only have one big pebble, you will still have room for smaller pebbles and sand (and beer!), but you will be at higher risk of loosing your big identity components.

Let me give an example. If all you focus on is your career, what will happen the day you loose your job (let's say due to a re-org) or if you get sick so you can't work anymore or when you retire for that sake? There will be a very large whole in your jar.

If you instead balance yourself with a few different priorities. Add friends, a hobby, exercise, or family into the big-pebble mix. Then suddenly if you would stand without a job one day, the other big pebbles will still fill up your jar and your happiness space. They will be there to hold up your identity.

I have seen so many hot-shot career men (yes, especially men seem to take this harder) that when they are suddenly facing themselves without a job, or getting into a divorce making them loose the family, etc, etc, they have nothing else. There is just a big void after the one or two things they had in their life. And they have to go through a crisis of building themselves and their identities up again - from scratch!

So, please have several pebbles. Big ones. And fill your identity with more than JUST being your job or JUST being a mother. You need to create your own MIX OF BIG PEBBLES. It will make pebble loss less painful and the impact of void milder.

Pebbles in a Jar

I will tell you a story that I always try to remember when I am stressed and feel like I am drowning from some aspects. You may have heard it before, but this is my version.

A professor is teaching a class in philosophy. In the beginning of his first lecture, he is holding up a large jar of glass - empty - in front of the class. He asks the class: "What is this?" First there is a shy silence, but then one of the Berkley students raises his hand and says: "An empty jar, Sir?"

"Correct. An empty jar." answers the professor. He picks up a small black plastic bag, and empties its content into the jar. The jar is suddenly full of big pebbles. "And now? Would you say the jar is full?" The attendees of the class starts nodding their heads and signaling agreement. "Then picture each big pebble to be an important activity of your life. One being family time. One perhaps being a job. Another perhaps, or maybe not, being studying?" The class laughs at the professor's contradictory remark on studying.

The class is silent as the professor empties another small black plastic bag of content into the jar. In the small voids between the big pebbles, small pebbles are now pouring into the jar. The professor states: "And picture now, the small pebbles being important, but somewhat less important things. A dentist visit? Visiting grandma? Taking a driving license?" He pauses, then continues: "Do you agree that although you have high-priority things, you still find time for the important side-projects that you need to do?" Again a pause, and then he asks: "Would you now say that the jar is full?" A louder noise of agreement occurrs.

The noise dies out as the professor picks up a third little bag and pours it into the jar. Sand. And now the jar has no visible empty space for sure. The professor says: "And there is still, somehow always time to do the other things, like watch a movie, go out with the trash, cleaning the house, reading emails, etc.".

"Point is, anyone?" The class room is silent, and tension is high. Nobody speaks up. It is a relief when the professor finally continues: "If you focus on taking time for the most important parts of your life - your friends, family, work, exercise... - you will still have time for other important stuff, and additional stuff. Just keep your focus on the important parts."

The class explodes into conversations and discussion. In the end the noise dies out. The professor is about to put the jar away and starts his class about perspectives on what is important in life to achieve happiness, when a young student stands up and walks forward to the professor.

When he reaches the professor with the jar in his hand, he turns to the audience, who are now curiously observing him. He speaks loud and clear when he says: "And when there is just no time for anything else, there is always time for beer" and then he pours the remains of a beer bottle into the jar. And the class breaks out laughing and applauding. And the professor can't help but smiling.

End of story.

Point is, and this is me speaking, never worry about the little things. The messy house. The children not having a haircut on time. The missing out on a dentist appointment. Worry - if ever - about keeping the focus on the really important parts of your life. That is who you are and your happiness. You will always have time for other things. Eventually.

Building Up Yourself

One of my readers asked me in an email (thanks for your emails btw!) what advise I have on boosting your own self-esteem. So here are my thoughts on this topic:

THE MIRROR TRICK
When you see yourself in the mirror in the morning, greet yourself and say three things about yourself that you like and/or are proud of.

Example
1. "I am proud of that I usually keep cool in critical situations"
2. "I am happy that I am such an adventurous person so I get to experience a lot"
3. "I like the fact that I am an encouraging mom"

If you want the super-boost, do it every morning and every night - for example when you have brushed your teeth.

Say it out loud so you see yourself, hear yourself, and think about yourself at the same time.

THE BED SIDE BOOK
This is a similar tool. Keep a bed-side note book by your bed. And every night, just before you turn out the lights and go to sleep, you write down three things you are proud of that day.

Soon you will see a pattern of waking up more happy about yourself and what you can do. The mornings start brighter.

Note that you must really try hard (especially if your self esteem is very low) to really try to feel the good feeling of being proud about yourself and your day. Block negative thinking. Try hard, it will get easier if you do it regularly.

THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE CIRCLE
Start saying the positive things you think about others. People get more positive by compliments (don't exaggerate though...) and will over time start giving you positive behavior back.

Laughter is contagious. So is a smile. And so is positive behavior. If you give compliments, people will start giving them back. And this will help boost your impression of yourself. But this is a side-boost, as the most important source for your self esteem should always be yourself and your own thoughts.

SELF-PEPPING
Try to inject every now and then through out the day:

1. Wohoo I am so good!!
2. I can do this, I know I can do this.
3. I am spectacularly fantabulous.

Or some other fun-you self-boosting key sentences. Not only will this self-complimenting help you like yourself and your compliments better. But it is your own vocabulary - not connected with any bad previous experience, not enforced to self-denial or self-criticism - that hopefully sets a smile on your face a few times through the day.

If you have trouble remembering to self-inject, then set a daily alarm in your cell phone.... Be creative!

PAMPER YOURSELF
Make sure to do happy things for yourself.

Tips:

• A bubble bath
• A good book and a hot cup of tea - and lock the door to be left alone for a while...
• A massage
• A pedicure (and make sure to get the deluxe while you are at it...)
• Paint your nails
• Sing out loud in your car to your favorite song

LEARN SOMETHING NEW
Outside work, try out something new. Doesn't have to be brain surgery advanced or anything. Take a class in arranging flowers. Create some pottery. Or even, just buy some paper and do a collage on your own. Just try something new once in a while.

After you have spent a few hours doing something new, take 10 minutes and just feel proud. Feel new. Feel accomplished. You are not only your work, your family demands, your everyday self. You are capable to learn and take in new experiences.

EXERCISE & VITAMINS
Yes. Endorphins will always give a better safety net for dips in your self-esteem. And so will your daily vitamins. Trust me. Or science.

Conflict Solving

What can you do to solve conflicts in a constructive way? Very good question from one of my readers. Well, my tips are the following. Feel free to add your tips in comments to this entry.

Try to find several ways of solving conflict, so that you grow to handle many different people types.

The best ways of finding them, I would say, are either books on conflict solving, giving and receiving feedback, active listening, or alternatively (my favorite approach): trial and error... Practise, practise, practise. Jump into an opposite oppinion of someone else, and practise your constructive argumentation.

How does a constructive process look like then? Well, a few things I've learned that are good for constructive conflict solving:

1. Listen, listen, listen
   
2. Repeat the statements of your opponent: "So if I understand you correctly, you are saying...."
   
3. Confirmation or clarification
   
4. Think / formulate carefully (breathe if needed)
   
5. Respond ithout personal attacks or emotional judgment (very hard...I know)




• Avoid statements including "YOU ARE [accusation]..."




• Instead use: "What you do comes accross as [adjective]...."


• Avoid "It is..." (as you own the single point of truth)


• Instead use: "It seems to me like..."


• Avoid emotional judgement: "very" "always" "never", or "blame" "fault" "wrong"




• Preferrably with curiousity




• Ask questions rather than to analyse


• Assume you are wrong when listening, respond with statements on how you view it


• Listen with interest to learn a different point of view




• If helpful, state that it is good that you have discovered a conflict or different point of views and that you are interested in learning other perspectives



6. If your conflict partner is less experienced or respectful in their conflict solving process, take a few breaths and try to not trigger on any cheap shots... Easy to say, harder to do sometimes :)
   
7. Summarize both perspectives (or all, if you have chosen to find even more angles on the topic, which is good in situations where it is suitable to show that there are even further options on how to view it...)
   
8. Make a decision (if required) and commit to disagree if necessary. You can still move forward, even if you don't agree. That is also solving the conflict, as long as you have understood each others point of view.

And remember, in different cultures it is either triggering or respectful to stay calm (or raise the voice), so don't always rely on your country-traditions as input if someone is upset or not.

Conflict is Good

Yesterday I ran into a Norwegian friend of mine. We had a nice chat over coffee at Dana Street Roasting Company. I really like the ambience there, as you can hear what you think and at the same time enjoy the scene of a coffee bean roaster together with an out-of-the-world coffee aroma. We had a good time for sure. And then we ended up in kind of a friendly disagreement. To make a long story short, we ended up laughing at our different negotiation techniques and started talking about conflicts.

Especially in Scandinavian culture, or at least the groups of people I am used to from over there, conflicts are a bit of a tabu. You want to solve issues and disagreements, of course, and they do exist, for sure, but it is just so many different approaches one can take. And an important factor in the Scandinavian approach (if there is one) is to stay calm, to not raise your voice...to not loose your face or embarass yourself by showing emotions. Maybe that is why we are called the "Japaneese of Europe" and why business is so excellently made between Scandinavia and Japan? Sometimes, while living and working in Sweden, I thought a conflict was a failure. That one had failed finding a win-win solution and hence failed to create the most optimal solution.

Letting the discussion brew for a bit, I came to the conclusion that I have totally changed my mind since moving to the states. Conflicts are good. Difference in opinion is catalysts for finding the best solution. One should not fear entering or creating conflicts, to have different opinions, or to even jump into a counter position (as they say here: play the devil's advocate) to really be sure that the solution at the table is solid.

Conflicts are indeed good. Differences are what helps innovation and perspective growth. How boring it would be if everyone in the world had the same opinions. And how dangerous for our future.

With all this said, I have to CLEARLY STATE that there are DIFFERENT WAYS of solving conflicts and it is in the SOLUTION PROCESS where you can choose positive (e.g. brain storming, open trust-based discussion, perspective change role playing....) or destructive approaches (e.g. war, violence, avoidance, postponance...).

So remember: conflict is good. The conflict solving process should be a constructive one.

Book Suggestions

I got a few questions if I had good suggestions on what to read and also around my female brain theories. Here are some top-of-the-head tips:

- The no asshole rule --- Helped me deal with unprofessionals
- The female brain --- Helped me understand why I sometimes feel like my brain is going wild and perhaps why it seems like men think so differently sometimes
- The five disfunctions of a team --- Helped me understand what can be improved in various teams
- Blink --- Helped me trust my instinct more, with some logical explanaition to why some decisions just "feel" right
- To kill a Mockingbird --- It helped me feel strong when I needed to be strong, and it reinforced the thought that the whole world may be wrong sometimes. One of my favorite books of all times. So I just have to include it here if someone has forgotten to read it.

I also recommend various reading on the power of speach, retoric, and communication. Thank you for arguing being one of the books I appreciate in that area..

If you have read some great books to self realization or strength building, please feel free to share in your comments.

Decision Tools

Thanks for all your great emails! I really appreciate your very intelligent and thought-worthy questions. I feel like spending the whole weekend blogging to cover all your great topic requests. I enjoy the interest, so please keep sending your career questions (and other questions) to confidenthannah at gmail.com (avoiding spam...).

A question that came after my last blog entry, in various forms, where: how do you make the decision to change? Sometimes it is hard to know what the right thing to do is. Here are my tips on different ways to make a decision or at least get forward in a decision process. And please remember that most decisions are YOUR DECISION to make. If you dont' own the decision, then my best advise is to not spend energy worrying about it. What is out of your control is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Period.

__The Box Theory__
Usage: A decision process for cleaning out your inner closet (or task prioritizing)

Process:
Create three boxes (physical or virtual/mental) that are named:
1. yes/keep
2. maybe/evaluate later
3. no/let go

Sort your things or tasks in the boxes (first time is always the most time consuming one). Throw away the no-box entirely. Keep the yes box. And go through the maybe box the next time you evaluate. Everytime you evaluate you go through the maybe box and the new things you want to evaluate. And every third time you go through the yes box as well.

Fantastic thing is you feel 6 pounds lighter after each sort.

Why this works (my own theory and experience, loosely related to femal brain studies I've read):
The female brain is complexly wired since birth (female hormones stimulate neuron creation in female featuses moreso than in male featuses, read: the female brain). Since our multy-connected braincells gets heavily stimulated (moreso) during stress and hence activates more thoughts and topics and memories and WORRIES when we are hyper-active, we are in extra need of more concious brain-relaxation than sometimes men are. Visual sorting or Physical sorting, helps any brain to mentally sort complex tasks. That is why cleaning your room/house/apartment for some people feels so relaxing/eliberating. Sorting causes a feeling of organized thoughts, especially when we are done as that adds the feeling of accomplished. This helps our brains to relax and simulate a structured environment (physical or mental).

__The pro-con list__
Use: Helping to visualize a decision

Process:
Write down the pros and the cons of a decision on a piece of paper. Make a note at the bottom where your heart is at and where your brain is at, when the list is complete.

Leave it for a week, then revisit the list and add / change / remove. Keep the previous heart/brain notes, but add new ones.

Revisit every two days and make notes on your heart/brain state.

When another week has passed. Listen to your inner gut feeling voice and just make that decision.

Why this works (again, my own theory and experience):
Visualizing the plus side and the minus side sometimes helps seeing what "should" be the right decision. This doesn't always mean it is the right decision still, but it helps stating the logically right decision and helps you understand if the thing preventing your decision is that your heart is not aligned with your logic. A female brain uses both the logical brain half and the emotional brain half in decision making, in a more intertwined way, again due to the complex and more intense coupling since the featus stage. Hence, we can experience more often (talking in general terms here...of course there are individual aspects to consider) the conflict of heart and brain going against each other. Listing your decision factors, seeing the logic, and feeling the heart, and most importantly LETTING THE DECISION REST to get a trend analysis of heart and brain direction, has been helpful to me and many of my friends when evaluating a binary decision (e.g. a decision with only two outcomes).

__The Brewing Catalyst__
Usage: When you have a complex or big decision to make, and you think you have thought of all angles...but still don't feel closer to a decision

Process:
This have helped me whenever I have thought about changing a job or breaking a relationship (friendship, working/customer/partner, lifepartner, etc). You go to one of your relaxing zones (a cafe (I can recommend Bean Scene if you live near Mountain View, or Cafe Brasco at Folkungagatan if you happen to live in Stockholm), a library, a friends house, your backyard...wherever you go to read a book or hang out and relax with no outer interruptions). Bring a note book and a pen. (Order a tea or coffee??) And then let your pen run free for at least an hour...or until your thought dump is complete. Just write down anything that crosses your mind. Big or small. Empty your head onto your sheet. Write, write, write. And then close your notebook and leave. And don't spend any more thought on anything related to your decision.

After a week or two, repeat the procedure.

If you further want to speed up the process, make sure you do context switch or environmental change during the weekends inbetween. Go hiking in the woods, go to the beach for a whole day, go to a different part of town or interact with some new people/friends and talk about different topics.

IMPORTANT: Leave the decision topic to REST. The trick is your writing and leaving it alone, will activate your brain's background process.

Sleep a lot.

And then set a date two months out, review all your writing (at that same relaxation spot). And make your decision.

If you still can't make your decision based on all your facts in front of you and all your brewed thoughts in your notebook. Just make a decision anyway. One or the other...or the third. Just pick one. And fly with that decision until it doesn't feel right anymore.

The important thing is to make a decision and MOVE FORWARD. You can ALWAYS change a decision (well...perhaps not always, but most of the time the decisions we make after brewing are the right ones...so trust that you will make the right decision).

Why this works (my own theory and experience):
The brain works even when we are not actively thinking. It even works while we sleep. And spending active time worrying or dealing with a decision does not always help the process forward. Sometimes you actually need to leave the decision alone and REST. It will come to you. And you do need to give it time. The process of writing things down again helps visualizing and FORMULATING your thoughts. And it leaves you a feeling of having told someone or having explained the situation to yourself. A feeling of clarity.

__Summary__
Decisions are sometimes complicated to make. Give them time. Let the process take its path and let things brew. Help yourself with the tools that work for you. Write things down. And DONT BE AFRAID OF MAKING THE WRONG DECISION. There is no such thing, as if you end up in a non-optimal spot, you will still learn from that situation. And you then know with more certainty that you need to change path again. And final tip: don't be hard on yourself, during the process or if you end up in a weird situation after making the decision. You are just human, so don't ever beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself and try to do as much relaxing activities as possible. The brain and heart usually knows what to do, if you can just step out of your situation, relax, and look at it objectively. You have the tools to help yourself if you only TRUST in your CAPABILITY and if you LET YOURSELF DO MISTAKES from time to time. DON"T BE AFRAID TO MAKE DECISIONS. It is only if you don't make your decisions that you will end up with regrets. Don't let others make decisions for your, take charge. I bet you don't want to live someone else's life?

Don't be afraid. Make a decision.

The Invisible Umbrella

When I was in the beginning of my career I often took comments very seriously. Very personally. I remember that each day was important to me. Every meeting had an impact on my self-esteem. I was right out of school and thought there was so many rights and wrongs. It was a never ending process of judging myself based on reactions and interaction with others.

Gosh that was soooo energy-consuming. I am glad that I have found my way out of that, although I still feel it from time to time when interacting with new teams. I don't let myself get consumed by it anymore. Note to self: proud of that.

After an all-day meeting yesterday with company executives, I let the thought linguer in my head for a while, how I got to a place where I feel comfortable asking "stupid questions" and showing where I am vounorable. My best guesses are as follows:

1. Time, maturity, and experience. Yes. Of course. But that won't probably help others out there in a current situation. But please know that it gets better with time.
2. The no asshole rule - a book that helped giving me the key thought to use when someone is yelling my ears off - very unprofessionnally - for something that I did or did not do. These days I can think: "what an asshole...and that their behavior and incompetent communication skills are his or her problems to deal with". And since I do not let it affect me (yes, I AM IN CHARGE of deciding if it will take from my energy or not) I can these days reply with calm voice: "You don't need to talk to me this way. It is in my opinion very unprofessional. Why don't you come back when you are ready to behave respectfully, and I will listen to you then." It has certainly taken the edge of many situations.
3. Confront bad behavior immediately. "I do not appreciate when you.... A better way of interacting with me in a constructive way is.... Thanks in advance for considering this next time."
4. Don't be afraid. Others don't judge you as hard as yourself.
5. The umbrella vision - one of my mentors taught me this. When someone is bombarding you with their stress / anger / frustration, it is not yours to absorb. Their insults/demands - whatever - can be visualized like raindrops attacing you, but hitting your invisible umbrella that you pull up in front of you. This mental vision has helped me "shake it off like a man". And quicker move on with my day, and let go of the bad comments, and not let it STEAL ENERGY from me.

Basically just remember: it is YOUR DAY in YOUR LIFE. You own YOUR ENERGY. Don't let people steal it through THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR.

To Jump or not to Jump

Some time ago I started a new job. A really exciting position with a smaller company. I am not sure I have come to a true understanding yet what this new job means, but I have a few thoughts to share so far.

It is always hard to make the choice of leaving a secure employment, where you know you are doing a good job and have several years that you can grow and feel safe. However, if you don't feel motivated and inspired, if you don't get energized in your every day, then you must take a moment and have the courage to change your situation. You can't stay put just because it is safe. Your life is passing as you drain your energy on tasks or people that don't stimulate you. You have to ask yourself the question: is this really how I want to spend a third of my life (8+hrs a day)?

I was so nervous at first that I risked everything. Who wouldn't be? A safe income, a great career... But after a few weeks of decision process (these decisions should not be made lightly, as the grass is seldom greener), I came to the conclusion that it was all worth it.

I made the jump. I changed my job. And here I am, trying to take it all in. The new situation, the new products, people, and challenges.

And a conversation from the past with my older sister comes to mind. These words were said in a different context, but are so valid here:

I said: Sure, I'll be scared and nervous again. But I know I will make it. Whatever happens, I know I'll get through it.

My sister said: I can so identify with what you are saying. These words, I think, are a sign of maturing. To see that you are not always ready. Not always on top of things. BUT you do have the tools to tackle new challenges and land on your feet. My husband usually says: Honey, when did it really go bad when you tried your best?

And isn't he right? Isn't our best enough? I will tackle these new assignments with the tools I am equipped with so far. And fight my fear of failure (yes, in spite of all success one still fear failure...). And if I just try my best, I will either win or learn.

I believe we all are born with a good inuition what we need to do. And what the next step is. It is just harder for some to allow themselves to listen to that inner voice.

Don't fear change. Don't fear to jump onto new challenges. It is the chances you don't take that you will regret. Again, and this can't be said enough times, the fear of failure is the one thing that limits your capabilities. We all need to fight our fears, how else will we grow and learn?

Step outside your comfort zone. Listen to your inner voice who knows exactly what you need to do, even if it frightens you. And just JUMP! It will turn out to something really good for you. I promise.

Don't fear the jumps, just plan for the landings.

Importance of Female Networks

It has been highlighted so many times, but I think it is worth mentioning again: the importance of building female supportive networks. And with that I don't necessarily mean your closest friends, but rather a diverse group of women representing different perspectives and backgrounds. From several ages and occupation categories. A group of individuals that can constitute a collected knowledge and experience base and a safety net when you feel like you are falling.

Perhaps the value lies in the relief of sharing your burdens? Perhaps it's in the realization that you are not alone in many situations? But even more important, I think, is that it consists of individuals you can relate to and respect, which enables you to learn from their experience.

I recently went to Big Sur for a birthday event for one of my dear friends. It was a group of 10 or so women. Ages between 25-45. We went for hikes in Pfeiffer, massages at Esalen, and good dinners and wine at nearby popular Big Sur Bakery. The whole experience was fantastic and provided true soul food. The idea of spending a few days together with a group of women only (friends and acquaintances) turned out to be both fun and inspiring. It was indeed a time for reconnection with ourselves as well as mother nature's beauty. But I still believe the major component of the lightness I felt after the event was the connection with the other women.

I suddenly found myself surrounded with insights I could truly use and reflect upon. Advise around how to balance family life and career. Advise around how to get the spark back into stressed and old relationships. Advise on how to give yourself a self-esteem boost. Advise on how to handle resignation, sorrow, divorce, and parenthood challenges. A flood of knowledge and insights. And even though I may not be in all these situations at the current point in time, I truly felt I learned good insights and tips - and perspectives - on how to deal with LIFE.

What I learned is too much to cover in one single blog, but what I can and will share here and now is that I felt so much better after time with these strong, independent, and positive women. It was like someone had helped me cleaning out the attic. And I for sure will take the energy and time on a regular basis to get together with my own female network - preferably in a larger group - and share my smaller and bigger concerns. Who doesn't want a clean and organized attic?

Another way of trying to describe the value is: in our casual conversations the little things I didn't even thought I worried about was discussed and suddenly there was a feeling of relief and enlightenment. Again a proof that conversation and how talking things through can help you get clarity on what your priorities and real problems to focus on may be.

A big thank you to the women attending the event, who so openly shared their life stories and their warm hearts, as well as their gathered wisdom. I truly enjoyed our conversations.

Thank you.

A Woman's Worth

Today I want to write about Lilly, or rather so many women like Lilly. She is a middle-aged beautiful sparkling woman I met at a festival last weekend. I had gone there with a couple of my friends, and we shared the same camping area. Today's blog will focus on women's self worth. In any relationships.

Lilly's story starts with her coming out of a really bad relationship. Frankly speaking, it sounded like a pretty abusive kind. To me that meant that she probably had been broken down over a longer period of time, and hit the bottom, but found an inch of self strength somewhere deep down and broken away. Congrat's to Lilly for that.

Not all women has this horrible experience, but many women still end up in a similar situation to where Lilly was when I met her a few days ago. Instead of seeing a single, strong, amazing, independent woman, these women are looking at themselves in the mirror as lonely, weak, and non-attractive "left overs". They basically stare at themselves with exagerated critical judgement. Feeling that not many chances will come their way anymore. In other words, they think they are not worth much on the market anymore.

This observation always makes me so sad. And furious. Lilly (and other women like her) is a beautiful woman. With a sparkling smile and personality. A giggling heart that one can easily fall in love with. And still she does not see this herself.

Why are the self-esteem dependent on the attention of a man for these women? Why is everything they seem to care and talk about how this and that man may or may not be interested in them or what these men think of them? And why are so many of these broken women often involved with married men (a.k.a. cheating jerks)? I so wished there was a light-bulb I could switch on for them. A light that would show them that they are amazing just as they are. That they don't need a man to confirm that for them.

These women fall over and over again for the wrong kind of men. Men that like the chase, the easy going, the smooth talking, the casual sex, and the non-commitment. Men that can make these women feel attractive - in their desperation for confirmation - for just a short while. The men that in the end treat them as they feel: with no worth.

To all Lilly-women out there, I would like to ask:
1) Why is your self esteem in the power and control of someone else? Wouldn't you want to own your own self-esteem?
2) Would you really want to be with a man that doesn't love you for all the amazing things that you are and are capable of?
3) Would you really like to settle with someone who can't understand how to treat you with respect?

If you want to change your life, I have the first step for you. It is very easy. I know you can do this!

Say to yourself in the mirror (loud and clear) every morning: "I am worth everything good in this world. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am capable. And I am (with no hesitation) worth to be treated with respect."

Use this as a mantra. Listen to your own voice growing stronger every day. Until you hear it. Until you feel it. Until you wake up one morning and see the light that helps you clearly distinguish between jerks and respectful gentlemen.

A real man would never treat a woman disrespectfully. Love starts with trust and respect. If you can't trust a guy and he can't respect you or you can't respect him, your relationship will never enable love. Just a distructive attraction or self-eliminating painful crush. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER!

Lilly wasn't the only one. There were at least four other women I talked to (only during this event) that had ended up in really bad relationships. And I am not blaming the men here. I ask of any person to stand up for themselves and ask for respect. Don't accept lies. Don't accept cheating. Don't accept disrespectful behavior. Ever. It will eat your self-esteem and your worth.

You are worth everything in this world. You deserve respect. EVERYONE does.