It isn't always as it seems

Just got reminded today that sometimes your own bad conscience decides how you judge people around you. It isn't always as it seems. Actually most of the time it isn't at all as bad as you think it is.

So what can you do when you have a "hunch" or a "gut-feeling" that makes you interpret certain signals a pre-determined way? Well, you have to QUESTION if this is reality or perhaps one of your own insecurities tainting your glasses - e.g. making you view the world in a non-objective way.

Let yourself travel into other glasses, other shoes, other perspectives. Try to see it from angels where you are not stuck in your own values, patterns, or pre-perceptions. If you manage to see it from at least two other angles, you are right to lower the probability of your own view being the "true" one and the "only" angle of a problem.

The best lesson I have re-learned this week has been that if you fight your own will to come up with the best solution, and allow other solutions - however crappy they may seem at a first glance - you can jump up and bet your glasses on that there is a valid reason for solving an issue the way someone else suggests it. Take a second and LISTEN to those reasons, before you decide. It will save you a lot of pain and re-payment later.

I took the time to listen this week. I allowed me to be patient although people were waiting for answers and blowing up the importance of things. And in the end, I gained two weeks work and the respect of two VPs.

Take the time to listen to ALL suggestions, and evaluate them equally and fair. There are sometimes reasons you don't know. And as long as those reasons are objective and not for anyone's personal career, then they should be paid attention to. It may save you a fortune of time and effort.

Good luck with listening to all input next week, and allowing yourself to evaluate even if first reaction is that they are wrong. Good luck with allowing yourself to be patient.

I know you can do it.

Attitude is Key

I read recently in a newsletter produced by Nova 100 (http://www.nova100.de/) about attitude making all the difference. Since I agree with much said in that newsletter, I wanted to highlight the consensus here:

"It doesn't matter how intelligent, creative, or experienced you are, not really, it is the attitude that makes the difference."

This is true for so many situations. However, I would weigh in that intelligence and creativity are good additions to your merit list, as well as experience. I would also very many times look at motivation level and service mindedness - especially for roles closer to the customer base.

But I do agree with that attitude is key. If you think you are the best and most brilliant engineer in the world that has ever existed - that may be true - but if your attitude is not cooperative, sharing, and helping others, well then you wouldn't be much of an asset for any company that plans to scale. And you may be the most savvy sales person in the world, and really gets the money, but if you don't really care about your customers and how they progress over time, there will be no long-term relationships and scale for a company, and you wouldn't get my recommendations.

The attitude on how to tackle difficult times, as well as difficult problems. The attitude around everyday conflicts in a relationship. The attitude towards change and life adventures. The attitude towards loss and pain.

It is said that life is 10% interesting events and 90% around how you face and handle these events. I think I agree. It is some key analysis to be made for people who keep on viewing the world with dark shades. I am not saying you need to become Mr or Mrs perky super-optimistic. I am just encouraging to ALLOW and to EMBRACE. And to LET GO. The people I have met in my path that are the easiest to work with, the most appreciated friends and colleagues, and the people that are the strongest leaders that help people grow around them, are the ones with an attitude that views the world realistically: for what it is, but then makes the most out of it.

Let your attitude make your life easier, as it is difficult enough as it is.

Create Your Own Wheels

If I had followed all the rules. If I had listened to all "good advise" that I have been given. If I had gone the safe paths that others had tried before me, showing on "this is how you do it" solutions. If I had done that more in my life, then I would never have learned as much, succeeded with as much, and advanced before my peers as much as I have today. I wouldn't have grown as much as I have either.

I am not saying you should reinvent the wheel, I am saying you should invent your own wheels in your shapes and forms and designs. I am saying you should find new ways to use old wheels. You should dare questioning why to use wheels at all. And you should create new wheels where there are none or where the wheels in place do not fit YOUR GROWTH PATH.

We are all individuals. We are all different. Who says we all learn and progress the same way? We all need our own path. Our own wheels.

People may have viewed me as "complicated", "difficult", "emotional", "stubborn", or "dramatic" at times. Well, I choose my own world, my own rules, my own limitations and values. I chose my own glasses to view the world through, and in my world the whole world CAN BE WRONG. Even if things have been proven before, it doesn't mean they are still true. And just because some people have decided it is best for them in their context to do certain things in a specific way, it doesn't mean you have to follow the same pattern. Maybe it doesn't fit who you are or who you want to be. You have the right - and every human being does own this right - to define who you are and what values you want to stick by. There are consequences of your choices, yes, but at least you own them if you have not let anyone else force you to become the person you are.

It is YOUR LIFE and YOUR CHOICES. There are NO RULES that you have to follow because someone says so or because someone else is limited by fear. The only entity - really - that you have to account to is yourself. You are your values and the consequences of your actions. Of course not excluding owning up to the responsibility of your actions.

Choose who you want to be. Choose your values. Live by them every day. And let no one else define your rules.

Interview Tricks

Got a question today from one of the women I am coaching, on how she should prepare for her next interview. Well, I don't know if I have anything out of the ordinary here, but here are a few things that have made me a more attractive candidate and that also makes candidates stick out when I happen to be interviewing.

1) Always dress classy, but low-key. A tidy fresh and yet stylish first impression opens the door instead of creating challenges from the minute you enter a room

2) Always read about the company in advance, and ask related questions to the interviewers on what you found, so they realize that you have done your research and that you are genuinely interested in how the future for the company looks like and what their visions are

3) During an interview the interviewers always check for three things and I have this rule: Brain, Heart, and Feet.

--- Brain: do you have the right competence, experience, and mindset for the job / role / assignment --- here you should try to match your previous experiences with the role you are applying for, and highlight education or previous experience with what the company is producing. Also show how your other experiences will enrich the value you may bring to the company. That will build up for the actual salary negotiation.

--- Heart: do you have the right values to fit with the team at hand. Sometimes you can have the best of competence, but you will still not complement the team. This is many times a reason why you get turned down (if your competence is a match, but you still don't get the job) --- here you should try to really be honest with who you are, as you don't want to end up matched in a team on someone you are not. Think about that you will spend at least 8 hrs a day with the team, and it would only be valuable for your progress if you were in a team that you can learn from and that you can contribute to. So be as honest as you can, without down selling yourself an inch. Only use positive words when describing yourself. And use some of your strengths as weaknesses (e.g. strength: organization, weakness: less flexible at times; strength: strong leader / decision maker, weakness: sometimes forgets to take time to listen to weaker voices in a meeting).

--- Feet: where are you going? A company always sees a recruitment as an investment. Investing in you, money and time, will it lead to a good harvest? Are you intending to stay with the company for as long as it takes to get you up to speed and also get some profit of their investment? Hence, always think about a 3 year vision within the company, that you can bring up in a suitable context. E.g. "Well, I can see that perhaps three years from now, I would have built out this team to handle not only the marketing but also the channel relationships and customer reference programs...." It shows that you have a plan to stay, and a plan to develop things going forward. A good candidate for investment!

4) Confidence is key, but bragging is a turnoff. It is a problem often among my girl friends that they get very nervous before an interview. Not feeling their true worth. Always feel like you are worth a fortune going into any interview. That your time is money. That they really need you. Don't ever let anyone downplay your worth. And believe me they will try, if not for any other reason but to get to a good negotiation start point, e.g. a cheap one for the company.

5) Never give a number. Never discuss salary in your first interview. Always treat your first interview as YOUR interview with them. Checking THEM out if THEY would be the right fit for YOU. That makes you more attractive in the company's eyes. Just like in dating!

6) Don't fear silence. They will probably test you in different ways how you react to stress. Some interviewers use silence as a trigger. Don't fear it. Embrace it. Wait. And then wait some more. And if you really can't wait more for them to ask a question. Have a question ready for them - open ended - so you can buy time, if you need to.

7) On questions that hits you off guard, breathe, wait, and ask for clarification or ask a counter question. That will buy you time to think what to answer. E.g. "well...hm....can you please elaborate what you mean with...." or "Well, I would like to think about this question for a while before I answer". You have time. And all questions aren't meant to be answered immediately.

8) Be professional (no nervous or bad jokes) and positive (don't show any bad moods or anger, even if they turn out to be unprofessional or rude - yes, this has happened to me...). You don't gain anything on loosing your temper. Just leave politely if the interview is not respectful, with the excuse that you have realized the job will probably not meet your expectations.

I am sure there are many more tips on this, as it is a very common topic. Here are a few books on the topic, for extensive preparation. However, I usually think you should be just enough prepared. A natural behavior is better for both you and the recruiters, as that will assure a better match-making. And if you really are super nervous, and it is your first job interview after college or something....well....tell them. It will reveal a card from your hand, but it may also make you feel a bit more comfortable, which may help you win in the end.

Good luck!

Books:

• Getting the job even though no one is hiring: http://www.amazon.com/Want-Even-When-Ones-Hiring/dp/0470457414/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257400492&sr=8-2
• Ten mistakes to avoid: http://www.amazon.com/Critical-Mistakes-Avoid-Initial-Interview/dp/B001QOGX78/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257400984&sr=8-3
• Tips to smart answers for tough questions: http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Answers-Interview-Questions-ebook/dp/B001POX728/ref=pd_sim_kinc_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2 (there are many books like this one)

Feedback is Essential

Here is a thought: one reason why men gets promoted more quickly may be that they receive more feedback.

This is a personal observation, and may not apply to the general case (if there is such), but I have watched my male peers and how they have gotten a lot more feedback than I have, in previous employments.

I have off and on wondered why this is the case, and my empirical conclusion is that it is because there is more "risk" of emotional reaction when giving a female feedback. Women - in general - get more "hurt" by raw comments on what was "wrong" or what could be improved in their performance, presentations, or whatever it may be.

I want to encourage women to try their best to not push feedback-givers away, but reacting emotionally to what is said. Try to do the following:

1) Listen
2) Decide if the feedback is truly valid or if it is a projection made by the person giving it to you
3) Say thank you for the feedback
4) Sleep on it, then try to see what parts are applicable to your delivery and erase anything that are aimed at or based around assumptions around your person

1 -- It is important to hear it all, and then decide what to react to. At this stage, do not take anything in, just hear the words and comments.

2 -- Most people give poor feedback. And if it is given directly after the event, without you asking it, try just to appreciate that someone cared enough about your effort, and take the actual feedback-giving action as a BIG COMPLIMENT. After feeling GOOD about this, you can decide what content actually applies, what content is a projection of the feedback-giver's own flaws and areas of improvements (it is very common to give feedback on what you yourself usually need to improve.....try to observe this next time you hear feedback, and smile when you recognize a projection...it is usually funny!). And try to filter as much emotion away from the actual useful feedback - if any!

3 -- Always say thank you to any feedback giver. This will encourage more feedback going forward, and a better way to fine tune your skills into the next level. If heard by others, it will encourage more feedback channels - which is something you should WANT. How else will you grow and improve?

4 -- Only take in what is useful. Remember that no one can give you feedback on WHO YOU ARE only on WHAT YOU DO. So, you can easily ignore comments like: you suck, you are a lousy designer....or whatever.... you should however listen to people who say: your solution sucks, your design is full of flaws - you have things to learn in these situations, especially if you are curious enough to ask "why? what do you mean by it sucks? can you exemplify what you mean by good vs bad design? etc etc"

Again, always embrace feedback givers. Thank them. Take it as a compliment. And then DECIDE what parts of the feedback you think applies or you think is actually valuable for your future growth.

And, to tie in with the beginning of this entry: it is unfortunate that men tend to give men feedback, and do not dare (?) to give us women the same straight forward feedback. The trick here is to ASK for it. From your boss (not only during performance evaluation, but DIRECTLY after a presentation etc), from your peers (e.g. "Hey, btw, what did you think of this meeting? Any feedback you wanna give me?"). Ask. Ask. And ask again. If you don't get feedback, you will not grow.

And then one last thing. PLEASE PRACTISE on giving feedback as well. A good leader knows when to praise and when to correct, and always to only correct what you DO not make any comments on WHO YOU ARE.

FEEDBACK IS GOOD.

The Code Words

7 years ago I learned the code words. The keys to making your boss not only hear you but really listen. I now give them to you:

"I am seeking more responsibility" means "I am tired of my current position and want to grow into leadership and management roles" alternatively "My path is slowly heading elsewhere if you don't provide me a growth path."

"I want new challenges" means "give me a new role / assignment / or responsibility" but it does not necessarily mean a manager position. Perhaps a project or a component ownership though.

"I don't feel motivated" means "I am looking elsewhere already, and probably will stay if I get a better offer / raise or if you meet my demands". Usually after stating these few words, the counter question is: "And what would motivate you?" SO be PREPARED to in a few sentences define what it is you need to feel that spark again...

The worst thing you can do for your career is to NOT THINK ABOUT IT and COME UNPREPARED to a performance review. Your career is your growth path. Don't neglect it, allow it some time, and list the things you did well during the year, to motivate your increased value for the company.

And one last thing: always focus on the tasks that leads to more value for the company. The rest are just not worth it. Focus on things that energizes you and motivates you, but also focus on the tasks and assignments that lead to growth, if you are not happy to stay where you are.

And always take the opportunities that come to you that feels "a little bit over your competence level" as those are the tasks that will make you grow. Never accept something you can already do. That will make you stagnate and get bored before you know it. Fear and butterflies in your stomach when accepting a new challenge ARE GOOD SIGNS!! Let the butterflies buzz. I know you can do it. And so do you.

Good luck with your next performance review. Let me know if you want me to focus on any specific questions within this area. I have tons of tips!

Achieving Your Goals

To achieve your goals (see my previous blog for how to create them) you need to be selective. You can't have 100s of goals at the same time. Select a few, and if possible find dependencies to what goals you should do first, to make path for other goals to be achieved much easier.

Example: If I focus on a better communication with my boss, I can later express my interest in travelling more...

SO....HOW do you achieve your goals. Well there are different ways I have used.

DIVIDE AND CONQUER
Goal: I want a Donna Karen purse within 6 months
Strategy: I will save money to afford it
Divide: I need to save $xxx per month to reach the amount needed
Action plan: If I don't spend money on clothes, coffee, and drinks w friends I can achieve that amount per month...

If the goal seems unachievable, try to break it into steps and backtrack. To achieve A, I have to achieve B, and to achieve B, I need to do C by this time.... and by listing C, B, A, you have your action plan.

Sounds easy? Well, it is harder than one can imagine sometimes.

So, what if parts of the goal is not within your control? Then there is the aim sideways approach.

AIM SIDEWAYS
Keep your focus on achieving the goal. And let all your actions lead to steps closer. If there are parts of the distance that you can't do, at least not in a direct fashion, then do them sideways.

Example
Goal: I want to become manager for the engineering department within the next two years
Strategy: Take more leadership and more responsibility, get assigned to important team-leading tasks, show my value to the upper management, and to the team, etc.
Blocker: My boss does not believe that I am ready to become a manager (and you have done your homework of finding out what is required, and proven that list to him over a 6 month period...) - e.g. you are shore he or she is just blocking
Sideways-approach: Modify your goal -- you can become a manager for another department for a while, focus on showing your management qualities to the support organization, keep your ears and eyes open, talk to their management that you are seeking more responsibility. Apply for opportunities under other managers.

Baseline: You can allow yourself to side-track into an almost similar goal-situation - e.g. if you become the manager of the support team, you grow with the management experience, even though it is not what you first desired (development) and next opening for development manager, you have the management experience on your list....which gets you one step closer.

Side tracking is good, if you stay focused on the goal!

And remember, the GOAL is always to GROW. Grow your potential and your comfort zone.

Setting Clear Goals

One really important thing to do to get where you want to be or to grow or get to the next level is to really set clear goals for yourself and with dedication follow an action plan. It is one of the toughest jobs, and with this blog I want to share an approach that has helped me and many of my employees when they have struggled with their performance reviews.

The power is in the words and in the mantras you create for yourself when clearly defining goals. The clear goal statements encourrages you when things seem difficult and help you keep focus.

I used to be a YES-sayer. I wanted to help everyone with everything. I wanted to be liked and I wanted to please people. I wanted to be a good manager, and in that vision of myself I thought that a good manager was supposed to be liked and able to do so many things. Was I wrong or what... Trust me on this one, the only two things a good manager really needs to be good at are:

1. Setting clear goals (and communicate these and the expectations on success/failure)
2. Making sure the tasks and responsibilities are clearly assigned and prioritized - and accounted for.

If you want to become a good manager of your own life and situation - which I hope everyone wants to become - then 1. and 2. are the two things you need to focus on.

So, step one: setting clear goals...easier said than done. Start with brain-storming. You can do this with yourself (verbally or in written form) or with friends you trust. Write all the things you want onto a paper. In no particular order. And I mean EVERYTHING.

Example:
- I want a Donna Karen purse by December
- I want to call my mom more often
- I want to travel more in my work
- I want to have better communication with my boss
- I want to feel more relaxed when the weekend arrives
- I want to...

These are your SELF REQUIREMENTS. And usually the list is long and totally unrealistic. :)

Now sort out which ones YOU really want and which ones OTHERS have made you want. And try to sort out if you WANT them or NEED them, and for what reasons. And if any pair of goals are dependent.

Example:
- I want a Donna Karen purse by December, so I can show off to my friends at the New Years party...
- I need to feel more relaxed when the weekend arrives, otherwise my whole weekend will go to recharging myself, and I wont feel like I have a life outside work. If I communicate better with my boss, I would feel more relaxed... --> I should focus on improving communication with my boss.
- I want to travel more in work, as I feel that makes me grow as a person

With this filtering, you can better prioritise your goals. The ME, THEM, and MUST buckets.

"I need" goes into the MUST bucket.
The MUST buckets are usually for your long-term health or relationship strength. And these usually takes more effort to fulfill but also gives more value back. Pick two of these at a time to focus on, and try to avoid setting up "forever" time lines. E.g. I will call my mom every other week for three months - is a healthy goal, and achievable. And it has a end-date where you can re-evaluate if this arrangement demands too much of your time, so you can fine tune to a happier arrangement.

Goals referring to others usually belongs in the THEM bucket.
The THEM bucket is usually not important for your growth, but you can pick one or two of these goals for your ego-satisfaction if you really think you can afford spending energy on these, once you have reviewed the rest of the list. E.g. I will save Y $ every week for a Donna Karen purse until December 15th, but only if I have more than X $ left after paying and saving all my other goals that are more important. This leaves you with the satisfaction that you may achieve your ego-goal, but don't steal away from more important goals.

The ME bucket is your self-growth bucket (usually) and these you should treat with extra care and attention. They may be (sometimes) "silly" goals to others, but will give you the self-esteem fulfillment. So, these goals need to be prioritized. And I would pick one at a time and focus until fulfilled to a satisfying level.

How you pick the focus-goals from each bucket is varying in difficulty, but once you have the lists bucket-sorted, the highest priority ones in each bucket usually sticks out from the crowd. And since you have divided them into the ME, THEM, and MUST buckets, you will have a fair share and balance between your various goals stimulating all sides/needs of your goal fulfillment and progress needs.

Last step is to book an appointment with yourself to reevaluate your goals in 3 or 6 months out, dependent on what time span your goals can meet. Now you have a goal setting process in place. And 3-5 goals identified. And believe me, it takes less and less time for every review. And you will feel more and more focused on where you are taking your life, in addition to an increased feeling of fulfillment and self-esteem as you reach your goals one by one.

MOST IMPORTANT: if you happen to fail to meet a goal, don't judge yourself. What you need to do in that case is to evaluate why - if it is internal or external circumstances, things out of your control or not, and what you learned. Then quickly move on with a wiser approach or with a discarded goal.

After defining your 3-6 goals for the next 6 months, it is time to sketch a action plan and strategy. That I will try to cover in my next blog.

And last thing, please remember that IT DOES NOT REALLY MATTER if you meet your goals in the end, as it is the strive to get there that gives you the value. THE JOURNEY IS THE PURPOSE!

Glass Ceiling

After my last post I received a few emails with concerns and questions around "what if I meet a blocker and don't see how to get around it with the side-way approach?"

Well, I wish I could say there is always a way. If you don't find it, create it. If there are no higher responsibilities to strive for, because they are all assigned to other people, you could (if it make sense) try to find or create some responsibility of your own. If for no other reason, just to motivate yourself to keep going. I know it sounds ridiculous and meaningless, but sometimes finding a way around blockers takes time to spot. And you need something to keep you focused, motivated, and continuing doing a great job, so that when the opportunity comes, you are for sure pepped and ready!

There is a key thought to hold on to, and that is that most organizations (who are healthy) continue to grow and change. Hence, there is a big chance an opening will present itself in time. If you keep your eyes and ears open, and if you stretch your perspective to other departments and responsibilities.

But I know it is not easy. And when I was in black blocked holes, well, then those words comforted only temporarily. So what can I advise?

I think I can say one thing, but it needs careful consideration, as previous blog-entries have covered. You can decide to look elsewhere and move on. If you have had the same performance evaluation conversation with your boss over the last two years, and if you have clearly - in writing - described to him or her what you want to do and how you want to grow. And there is no response. Well then... it is a signal that you are not listened to, and that your growth potential is being limited by a blocker. TRY TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE. And again, I know, easier said then done. Especially in these times. But GREAT PEOPLE always get hired and always find a way. So keep looking.

Still, I know it is hard. Been there.

The best advise I have had - and it is possible I have mentioned it before - is to choose your boss. That can be reinforced in this context. Don't SETTLE FOR A BLOCKING BOSS. Your manager's responsibility (to deserve the salary he or she has) is to ENABLE YOU in your growth path. Challenge you to get out of your comfort zone. Build strong leaders and communicators and increase skills and knowledge among the staff. If this is not facilitated. If the manager holds you back, then it is his or her loss if you leave for someone who do enable you.

BE BRAVE. MOVE ON. Choose your boss!

Find a Vent

Today I had a mini-crisis with one of my coworkers. I stressed a little about maybe have worked on a project deliverable (very hard and many hours) in vain. It turned out my colleague had already completed this deliverable a few weeks back, and I hadn't heard about it.

Although I had not asked anyone if they were already working on it, it felt like it was natural being on my plate to do. Again I am reminded of the very important lesson:

NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING. EVER. It is always worth double checking and confirming clear understanding and responsibilities.

Anyway, I had a mini-crisis and didn't know how to confront my colleague, just being a few weeks into my new job. Should I just let it go or should I take some kind of action?

This blog post is not about how that issue got solved though. It is about a much more important thing: Finding a Vent. A vent is a person you can trust to flush out some minor issues with, as a prep for a confrontation. Someone who:

1) Does not report to you
2) You respect
3) Who can keep a confidence

I happen to stumble on my vent over a lunch meeting later in the day. Turned out to be the solution to my problems.

As mentioned in previous posts, sometimes it helps to just talk it out.

Later when I came home, I was a bit over-excited about to major meetings that I will have tomorrow. To calm down and shut down, to have a good break from all the new thoughts and ideas in my head, I started playing my piano. And then I had the idea of sharing my insight of venting on this blog today. Music, exercise, laughter, TV, family, friends....they are all very convenient channels for venting and changing gears. I am happy to have my piano to vent out frustration into my music. But also very happy about my new VENT at work.