Conflict Solving

What can you do to solve conflicts in a constructive way? Very good question from one of my readers. Well, my tips are the following. Feel free to add your tips in comments to this entry.

Try to find several ways of solving conflict, so that you grow to handle many different people types.

The best ways of finding them, I would say, are either books on conflict solving, giving and receiving feedback, active listening, or alternatively (my favorite approach): trial and error... Practise, practise, practise. Jump into an opposite oppinion of someone else, and practise your constructive argumentation.

How does a constructive process look like then? Well, a few things I've learned that are good for constructive conflict solving:

1. Listen, listen, listen
   
2. Repeat the statements of your opponent: "So if I understand you correctly, you are saying...."
   
3. Confirmation or clarification
   
4. Think / formulate carefully (breathe if needed)
   
5. Respond ithout personal attacks or emotional judgment (very hard...I know)




• Avoid statements including "YOU ARE [accusation]..."




• Instead use: "What you do comes accross as [adjective]...."


• Avoid "It is..." (as you own the single point of truth)


• Instead use: "It seems to me like..."


• Avoid emotional judgement: "very" "always" "never", or "blame" "fault" "wrong"




• Preferrably with curiousity




• Ask questions rather than to analyse


• Assume you are wrong when listening, respond with statements on how you view it


• Listen with interest to learn a different point of view




• If helpful, state that it is good that you have discovered a conflict or different point of views and that you are interested in learning other perspectives



6. If your conflict partner is less experienced or respectful in their conflict solving process, take a few breaths and try to not trigger on any cheap shots... Easy to say, harder to do sometimes :)
   
7. Summarize both perspectives (or all, if you have chosen to find even more angles on the topic, which is good in situations where it is suitable to show that there are even further options on how to view it...)
   
8. Make a decision (if required) and commit to disagree if necessary. You can still move forward, even if you don't agree. That is also solving the conflict, as long as you have understood each others point of view.

And remember, in different cultures it is either triggering or respectful to stay calm (or raise the voice), so don't always rely on your country-traditions as input if someone is upset or not.