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A question that came after my last blog entry, in various forms, where: how do you make the decision to change? Sometimes it is hard to know what the right thing to do is. Here are my tips on different ways to make a decision or at least get forward in a decision process. And please remember that most decisions are YOUR DECISION to make. If you dont' own the decision, then my best advise is to not spend energy worrying about it. What is out of your control is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Period.
__The Box Theory__
Usage: A decision process for cleaning out your inner closet (or task prioritizing)
Process:
Create three boxes (physical or virtual/mental) that are named:
1. yes/keep
2. maybe/evaluate later
3. no/let go
Sort your things or tasks in the boxes (first time is always the most time consuming one). Throw away the no-box entirely. Keep the yes box. And go through the maybe box the next time you evaluate. Everytime you evaluate you go through the maybe box and the new things you want to evaluate. And every third time you go through the yes box as well.
Fantastic thing is you feel 6 pounds lighter after each sort.
Why this works (my own theory and experience, loosely related to femal brain studies I've read):
The female brain is complexly wired since birth (female hormones stimulate neuron creation in female featuses moreso than in male featuses, read: the female brain). Since our multy-connected braincells gets heavily stimulated (moreso) during stress and hence activates more thoughts and topics and memories and WORRIES when we are hyper-active, we are in extra need of more concious brain-relaxation than sometimes men are. Visual sorting or Physical sorting, helps any brain to mentally sort complex tasks. That is why cleaning your room/house/apartment for some people feels so relaxing/eliberating. Sorting causes a feeling of organized thoughts, especially when we are done as that adds the feeling of accomplished. This helps our brains to relax and simulate a structured environment (physical or mental).
__The pro-con list__
Use: Helping to visualize a decision
Process:
Write down the pros and the cons of a decision on a piece of paper. Make a note at the bottom where your heart is at and where your brain is at, when the list is complete.
Leave it for a week, then revisit the list and add / change / remove. Keep the previous heart/brain notes, but add new ones.
Revisit every two days and make notes on your heart/brain state.
When another week has passed. Listen to your inner gut feeling voice and just make that decision.
Why this works (again, my own theory and experience):
Visualizing the plus side and the minus side sometimes helps seeing what "should" be the right decision. This doesn't always mean it is the right decision still, but it helps stating the logically right decision and helps you understand if the thing preventing your decision is that your heart is not aligned with your logic. A female brain uses both the logical brain half and the emotional brain half in decision making, in a more intertwined way, again due to the complex and more intense coupling since the featus stage. Hence, we can experience more often (talking in general terms here...of course there are individual aspects to consider) the conflict of heart and brain going against each other. Listing your decision factors, seeing the logic, and feeling the heart, and most importantly LETTING THE DECISION REST to get a trend analysis of heart and brain direction, has been helpful to me and many of my friends when evaluating a binary decision (e.g. a decision with only two outcomes).
__The Brewing Catalyst__
Usage: When you have a complex or big decision to make, and you think you have thought of all angles...but still don't feel closer to a decision
Process:
This have helped me whenever I have thought about changing a job or breaking a relationship (friendship, working/customer/partner, lifepartner, etc). You go to one of your relaxing zones (a cafe (I can recommend Bean Scene if you live near Mountain View, or Cafe Brasco at Folkungagatan if you happen to live in Stockholm), a library, a friends house, your backyard...wherever you go to read a book or hang out and relax with no outer interruptions). Bring a note book and a pen. (Order a tea or coffee??) And then let your pen run free for at least an hour...or until your thought dump is complete. Just write down anything that crosses your mind. Big or small. Empty your head onto your sheet. Write, write, write. And then close your notebook and leave. And don't spend any more thought on anything related to your decision.
After a week or two, repeat the procedure.
If you further want to speed up the process, make sure you do context switch or environmental change during the weekends inbetween. Go hiking in the woods, go to the beach for a whole day, go to a different part of town or interact with some new people/friends and talk about different topics.
IMPORTANT: Leave the decision topic to REST. The trick is your writing and leaving it alone, will activate your brain's background process.
Sleep a lot.
And then set a date two months out, review all your writing (at that same relaxation spot). And make your decision.
If you still can't make your decision based on all your facts in front of you and all your brewed thoughts in your notebook. Just make a decision anyway. One or the other...or the third. Just pick one. And fly with that decision until it doesn't feel right anymore.
The important thing is to make a decision and MOVE FORWARD. You can ALWAYS change a decision (well...perhaps not always, but most of the time the decisions we make after brewing are the right ones...so trust that you will make the right decision).
Why this works (my own theory and experience):
The brain works even when we are not actively thinking. It even works while we sleep. And spending active time worrying or dealing with a decision does not always help the process forward. Sometimes you actually need to leave the decision alone and REST. It will come to you. And you do need to give it time. The process of writing things down again helps visualizing and FORMULATING your thoughts. And it leaves you a feeling of having told someone or having explained the situation to yourself. A feeling of clarity.
__Summary__
Decisions are sometimes complicated to make. Give them time. Let the process take its path and let things brew. Help yourself with the tools that work for you. Write things down. And DONT BE AFRAID OF MAKING THE WRONG DECISION. There is no such thing, as if you end up in a non-optimal spot, you will still learn from that situation. And you then know with more certainty that you need to change path again. And final tip: don't be hard on yourself, during the process or if you end up in a weird situation after making the decision. You are just human, so don't ever beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself and try to do as much relaxing activities as possible. The brain and heart usually knows what to do, if you can just step out of your situation, relax, and look at it objectively. You have the tools to help yourself if you only TRUST in your CAPABILITY and if you LET YOURSELF DO MISTAKES from time to time. DON"T BE AFRAID TO MAKE DECISIONS. It is only if you don't make your decisions that you will end up with regrets. Don't let others make decisions for your, take charge. I bet you don't want to live someone else's life?
Don't be afraid. Make a decision.
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